Women and the Elusive O

Women and the Elusive O
by Lori

I receive a fair amount of email from women who are struggling because they either can’t orgasm or have great difficulty in doing so. Here are some suggestions that may help.

give yourself permission to be sexual

Some cultures, churches, and families have given women the idea that being sexual is somehow dirty or at least not very ladylike (making it very difficult to enjoy sex or orgasm). A study of the Word reveals, however, that God designed human sexuality and called it “very good.” Taking the time to understand that and to change your understanding of sex, can make it easier to explore your sexuality.

come clean about sexual sin

Many people have had previous sexual relationships. Take the time to talk to God, own up to it, and repent. It’s also helpful to break any connection with past sexual partners in prayer. Receive God’s forgiveness and recommit to be your spouse’s sexual partner.

You might also have guilt over masturbation or sexual fantasies. While I do not personally believe that masturbation is inherently wrong, if you feel it is wrong or you have guilt associated with wrong sexual fantasies, talk the Lord and ask for forgiveness.

build intimacy and trust

Invest time and energy in all areas of your marriage. Spend time together. Work, play, talk, and pray together. Non-sexual intimacy becomes the building blocks for sexual intimacy.

believe in his love

You need to know and believe that your husband loves you and wants to pleasure you sexually. Trust that he is not bored or upset, and give yourself to him. Don’t worry about “how long it’s taking” or about what he is thinking. He loves you and wants you to enjoy making love with him.

be present and engaged

Mental foreplay may be as important as physical foreplay. Physical stimulation will get your body aroused enough to have intercourse, but it’s important to engage mentally and emotionally. Keep your mind in the moment.

relax in his presence

Tension and stress, physical or emotional, will interfere with your ability to have an orgasm. A hot bath or shower can help a lot, and a good back rub from your husband is great both for relaxing and as the beginning of arousal. (Have your hubby read about massage.)

get to know your body
and what is pleasurable

Orgasm itself is a reflex action. You can’t choose to orgasm, instead, you must play and explore to find the conditions that will cause your body to react in orgasm. This may take time and patience.

One of the easier ways to learn to orgasm is to use your hand or a small vibrator to experiment and find out what is pleasurable (your husband can help if you like). Vibrators are not “habit-forming” and they don’t “spoil you for real sex.” You can get a small bullet vibrator for well under $20.00. Think of a vibrator as training wheels. It makes learning how to orgasm a lot faster, easier, and less frustrating.

redefine your goals

Trying to orgasm at the same time as hubby in missionary position under silk sheets with an orchestral overture playing may not be a good first goal. If you have never had an orgasm, then your first goal would be to just have an orgasm. This may require masturbation or a little help from a vibrator, but once you know what an orgasm feels like, then you have some understanding and experience to work with.

Next, you want to make orgasm the normal and expected outcome of making love (you are training your body and brain to expect an orgasm). Make what arouses you a significant part of foreplay. If you then make love and you don’t have an orgasm when your spouse does, then have some afterplay where you do orgasm. You are working toward knowing your body and learning to build arousal during lovemaking. (You may have some three steps forward and two steps back progress. Don’t let individual “setbacks” get you down.)


This may seem silly, but a major problem is shallow breathing, or periodically holding your breath. It’s very helpful to breathe deeply and even loudly during sex. No, he won’t be offended by this, he may actually like it!

be involved

It’s possible to have an orgasm if you just “lie there,” but it’s not very likely. Strong sexual arousal causes heavy breathing, movements of the legs and hips, and often soft moaning or other noises. Stifling sounds or movements will interfere with arousal and orgasm. You have to surrender your body to what’s happening and go with it, rather than fighting it.


Your husband can only know what you enjoy or what you would like if you tell him. Give specifics like “a bit faster,” “slower please,” “a little higher,” or “more pressure.” What you want will change as you become more aroused, so you will have to keep informing him of what you feel and what you want.

do kegels

The healthier and more fit the PC muscles are, the easier it is to orgasm. Exercise, exercise, exercise! (See Kegels for Her.)

still having problems?

Sometimes we can unconsciously block feelings of arousal. This is usually because of tough emotional issues – guilt, fear, anger, childhood sexual abuse, poor self-image, self-hatred, and/or relational issues in marriage to name a few. All these things can cause difficulty and need to be addressed before sexual problems can really be resolved. Grab the nearest friend or counselor and talk through these tough issues.

Related Resources:
   Take an Awaken Love class.
   A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau
   Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

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