When Do We Discuss Sex?

couple talking over coffee
by Lori <><

Discussing sex before marriage can be a bit tricky. You need to know you are both on the same page about sex because it’s an important part of your future marriage, but talking about sex with someone you want to have sex with can be … well, arousing.

So, invite your sweetie out for coffee and sit where you can talk without being overheard. Talk generally about your sexuality (thoughts on frequency, any potential problems, past sexual experience, etc.) but keep the details minimal. You might also share any “must-haves” or “deal-breakers.” For example, you need your spouse to be faithful sexually in marriage so swinging (swapping spouses) is off the table.

If you suspect there are going to be problems (for example, if one of you has past sexual abuse), I would encourage you to get counseling and have the counselor talk you through the adjustment to marriage and being sexual in a healthy way.

I would also encourage you to read something about newlywed sexuality a few weeks before the wedding. If you’ve never been sexual before it will give you a clue and if you have a sexual history, it will help you think through your sexual experience and create a new sexual relationship with your new spouse.

I can recommend A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds and/or Sheet Music (read chapters 1-4 and save the rest for after the wedding).

     

Basically, find a safe place to talk. Go throught different sexual topics without too much detail. Make sure you don’t have a major area of disagreement. A little education is a good thing (if you feel totally clueless, you might do the reading first and use that to help your discussion). Again, if you think there might be a problem, get a bit more specific and talk it out in a safe place. If you need to, grab a counselor.

 

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couple having coffee © gpointstudio / Adobe Stock