201 women and 361 men have answered
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✓ The answers given by men and women are close here.
✓ About 50% had intercourse.
✓ More than three-fourths of couples had his hands on her breasts.
✓ About 70% of couples engaged in sex play that involved her hands on his clothed genitals. The numbers his hands on her clothed genitals were similar.
✓ Two-thirds of couples had direct contact between her hands and his genitals. Likewise for his hands on her.
✓ Roughly half of men and women gave their future spouse an orgasm by hand.
✓ Half of couples engaged in dry humping without either having an orgasm. About half as many dry humped to orgasm, with men being slightly more likely to climax.
✓ About half of couples engaged in oral sex, with men and women being on the receiving end in about equal numbers.
✓ 15% did NOT engage in open-mouth kissing.
✓ How serious women are about their faith had a significant impact on premarital sex.
✓ The rate of intercourse was 100% for women with low faith, 70% for moderate faith, and 50% for high faith.
✓ Most other sex acts showed a similar pattern, but with less extreme variation. A hand job on him was 86%, 48% and 37%. A hand job for her was 86%, 48% and 40%
✓ One exception was dry-humping to orgasm, which was more common for the women most serious about their faith than for other women.
✓ How serious men are about their faith had a strong impact on premarital sex. Male faith seemed to move sex from intercourse to other acts more strongly than female faith.
✓ The rate of intercourse was 95% for men with low faith, 66% for moderate faith, and 42% for high faith.
✓ Most other sex acts showed a similar pattern, but with less extreme variation. A hand job on him was 79%, 62% and 44%. A hand job for her was 95%, 65% and 47%
✓ Dry humping was not an exception here as it was for women.
✓ 89% of men and 70% of women had one or more orgasms with their spouse prior to marriage.
✓ Men were more likely than women to experience orgasm in 60% or more of the couple’s sexual encounters.
✓ How serious women are about their faith had no clear effect on the odds they experienced orgasm or how often it happened.
✓ How serious men are about their faith affected if and how often they orgasmed. The never orgasmed answers for low, moderate, and high faith men were 0%, 7% and 13% respectively. Those with the strongest faith were about half as likely as those with low faith to orgasm 75% or more of the time.
✓ Women gave about the same numbers for his orgasms as men did. Men seem to somewhat over-estimate her orgasms.
✓ Men rated their premarital sex as better than women did with 52% of men and only 35% of women saying it was “great”.
✓ Women felt more guilt, with 35% vs 18% of women saying they felt very guilty and 71% of women vs 61% of men feeling some degree of guilt.
✓ There was a weak correlation between female guilt and frequency of orgasm, with women who orgasmed less than 40% of the time being slightly more likely to feel guilt. Did their guilt make orgasm less likely, or did having an orgasm make guilt less likely?
✓ Men were slightly more likely than women to say it was a mutual idea to have sex (66% vs 60%).
✓ Three times as many women said it was their partner’s idea and they want along – 24% of women and 8% of men.
✓ 13% of women and 9% of men wanted to stop, but didn’t know how,
✓ 6% of women and no men kept having sex because they feared stopping would end the relationship.
✓ The majority of women who said they wanted to stop also indicated they climaxed at least 40% of the time.
✓ The chance a man rated sex as great was inversely correlated to how much his faith matters to him.
✓ The answers for this one don’t line up as well for men and women as the answer for what happened with the person they married. Men were more experienced than women in every category.
✓ 43% of men and 41% of women lost their virginity prior to being with their spouse
✓ 82% of men and 62% of women experienced orgasm with someone before they were with their spouse.
✓ Both men and women were less orgasmic with other partners than they were with their future spouse. This was particularly true for women.
✓ Sex with others rated less enjoyable than sex with one’s future spouse.
✓ Men were more than twice as likely as women to rate the sex good or great.
✓ 58% of men said sex with others was good or great as opposed to 77% who said sex with their future spouse was good or great.
✓ 26% of women said sex with others was good or great as opposed to 62% who said sex with their future spouse was good or great.
✓ 41% of women said their sex with others was bad or horrible. Only 1% said the same about sex with their future spouse.
✓ Guilt was slightly higher for both sexes than for sex with their future spouse. However, women are far more likely to say they felt very guilty – 56% for other men, and 35% with their future husband.
✓ 51% of women said having sex was his idea and she just went along. 15% of men said it was her idea and he went along.
✓ 26% of women and 5% of men wanted to stop having sex but didn’t know how.
✓ 16% of women and 2% of men kept having sex because they feared not doing so would end the relationship.
✓ Men and women gave very similar answers, with women being a bit more likely to say very good.
✓ Men and women are both less likely to rate their sex life very good at one year of marriage. Most of the change is from very good to good.
✓ More women than men say very good, by about the same amount as at 1 month.
✓ For women having regular orgasms significantly increased the odds a woman would rate her sex life better. Women experiencing orgasm at least 60% of the time were more likely to say very good than good, more likely to say good than fair, and more likely to say fair than poor.
✓ Women who climaxed no more than 10% of the time were four times as likely to say their sex life was poor or horrible.
✓ For women, there was a strong correlation between having orgasms and having more sex.
✓ Women who orgasmed at least 40% of the time were 3 times a likely to have sex 16+ times a month.
✓ Women who orgasmed 25% or less of the time were 3 times as likely to have sex 5 times a month or less.
✓ Men and women are fairly consistent here, with men reporting a bit less.
✓ At their first anniversary, 4% of couples were having sex once a month or less.
✓ Six to ten times a month was the most common frequency, reported by just under a third or couples.
✓ 20% of couples were having sex sixteen times a month or more.
✓ At one year of marriage, 79% of men, but only 25% of women always or almost always orgasmed when the couple had sex.
✓ 96% of men and 42% of women had an orgasm at least three times in four.
✓ 15% of women never orgasmed, and a third did so less than one time in four.
✓ At five years more men and more women rated their sex live good or very good.
✓ More women than men are still saying very good, and now more women than men say good.
✓ As with one year, women who orgasmed at least 60% if the time rated their sex lives much more highly.
✓ 91% of those who said their sex life was very good climax at least 60% of the time.
✓ 82% of those who said their sex life is poor or horrible climax 0% to 40% of the time.
✓ At five years of marriage, 75% of men, but only 25% of women always or almost always orgasmed when the couple had sex. This was no change for women and a slight decrease for men.
✓ 92% of men and 45% of women had an orgasm at least three times in four. This was a slight increase for women and a slight decrease for men.
✓ 11% of women never orgasmed, and 28% did so less than one time in four. This was a slight improvement.
✓ Men and women remain fairly consistent, with men still reporting a bit less.
✓ At five years, 7% of couples were having sex once a month or less. (10% of men and 4% of women gave this answer.)
✓ Six to ten times a month was the most common frequency reported by women, at 33%. Two to five times a month as the most common for men, reported by 36% of men.
✓ 11% of couples were having sex sixteen times a month or more.
♦ My family owned livestock farm. My Dad involved us at every level with the farm animals. Needless to say, lots of babies born at our home! Cattle, horses, hogs, chickens, ducks, geese, lambs, dogs and kittens. 3 baby raccoons and 1 baby coyote. We had a blast!!! I totally understood the mechanics of reproduction at an early age. As a teenager, I was well aware of how important it was to have a ‘good mama’. Good mom’s fed and cared for their babes and fought off anything that got in their way. At a young age my Dad allowed us to help him select sires for the cattle. It was important to choose desirable traits. I enjoyed being a kid! No babies for me until I was properly hitched to a good sire, HA! I also had older brother, so there was always boys around working on the farm with us. I was NOT boy crazy. In fact I could out ride most of them. (horseback) Early on I made a decision that I would not have sex with anyone. It would be just me and the boy I chose. I did not want to be ONE with anyone else. PERIOD. I did not date any boys in my class. I did not go steady with anyone in high school. I did go to 8 proms while I was in high school. (neighboring schools). I got lots of calls. Sincerely, I have NEVER regretted that choice I made as a seventh grader. I am amazed and cherish the fact that God helped me to hold to His standard. One man One woman. PTL Sex spreads germs. Some are deadly. HIV, HPV causes cancer.
♦ The sexual abuse and sexual assault that happened to me before marriage caused me to come in to marriage very broken. Sex became a true battlefield and THE struggle in our marriage. It took counseling at year 15 to finally start the process of sex becoming something different. God is bringing change and healing to this area of our marriage. We pray together often, asking God to heal our marriage and sex life. Now, 18 years of marriage later, we are finally beginning to experience God’s plan for sex. In the low point of our marriage we had sex 2-3 times a month and it was difficult, often causing more feelings of separation, and intense feelings of shame and self-hatred for me. Now we are having sex around 5 times a week and it has become a place of great love and intimacy for us. There is hope; God can do miracles!!!!
♦ It’s hard to remember the exact frequency 28-30 years later, but we have always had a mutually satisfying sex life—with the exception of the guilt of premarital involvement on my part. To be fair, we did take a break of several months before we got married. But that may have been only a break from actual intercourse.
♦ Before marriage I wasn’t a Christian. My morals and values of sex were different than now. Now both my husband and I have given our lives to The Lord and after 19 years of marriage, our sex us the best it’s ever been.
♦ Websites like The marriage bed, Hot, Holy and Humorous and and podcasts about Christian sex have been hugely beneficial. It’s not much talked about in our church.
♦ I want sex more than my husband and this has caused a lot of conflict. Our marriage has been mostly sexless for two years, with me using masturbation.
♦ Sex now at 16 years of marriage is so much better! We have learned and grown. I orgasm almost everytime…the first years were learning years.
Sex got much better after the kids got older and we could really have time to ourselves, and I dealt with some of the guilt and baggage I brought into the relationship. . . . Around year 15 or so it really began to go up in quality and quantity. Now, at year 29 it is amazing and I am so glad it just seems to get better and better.
♦ My husband’s premarital experiences and choices after our marriage are far more influential than my own in the “horrible” quality of our sexual experiences.
♦ Our premarital sexual experience was fairly tame, but restraining ourselves (most of the time) from sexual contact didn’t lead to the awesome sex life we thought we would have if we saved ourselves. We were both a little disappointed to find out that we would have to develop sex as a skill and practice it like any other activity to get really good at it and enjoy it fully – how mundane!! The one thing that isn’t covered on this survey is virtual sexual experience (pornography), which played a huge role in our sexual interaction the first five years of marriage, affecting everything from his expectations coming into marriage to our wedding night to our expectations for our sex life after the wedding.
♦ I wanted to mention that sex is definitely what brought my husband together…but it was God who kept us together. Unfortunately, our sex life is almost nil because of health conditions–diabetes, high bp, and bad knees for him and RA for me (has caused tendon damage). Thankful for a non-sexual commitment but appreciate naked snuggling too.
♦ My husband was also addicted to pornography from about 12 years old (I didn’t find out until about 16 years of marriage) and he regularly masturbated whenever I wasn’t around. We have since worked through this and he has been freed from the addiction through Christian counseling and accountability partners, but we both believe this had as much negative effect on our sexual relationship as any pre-marital sexual activities, and probably more. I also wonder if his addiction to pornography resulted in more premarital sexual activities than would have occurred otherwise. Also, we were both born again Christians when we met and had many conversations about trying to wait, feeling guilty for not waiting, wanting to stop and wait until after we were married, but not knowing how. One last thing – since dealing with these issues openly and honestly with each other, our relationship has been better and better, and at almost 26 years of marriage it is better than it has ever been. We probably have sex 3 – 5 times per week, and I almost always have an orgasm, where before he always did and I had one about 10% of the time.
♦ We were both Believers when we met, but were also young, hormonal and immature. We knew it was wrong but justified it because we were planning to marry. We have since prayed together and repented.
♦ Having been married over 20 years now, the sex is still always amazing. We just don’t have sex enough for me. We are one of those couples where I want sex way more than he does.
♦ It was harder for me to orgasm at first when we were married. The reason I put good at 5 years was because it was in the middle of being pregnant and having kids and that was a more difficult time for us as I had zero libido while pregnant. Now at 14 years I would say our sex life is awesome, and I orgasm about 80% of the time. We have sex about 10-11 times a month.
♦ Those percentage questions need an “I don’t remember” option, lol. 21 years…and I’ve tried to block out the premarital stuff to begin with. :/ As for frequency, those are hard questions to be accurate with also. We got pregnant right away. Babies change sex life. I feel like frequency is a constant issue and conscious effort ALWAYS. I feel guilty when I’m just too tired or uninterested to try. These last few years with teens, it has taken all I can muster to scrape out a bare minimum of time with hubby. It’s hard! Cue more guilt.
♦ You didn’t ask if I was a Christian before our wedding. That would have made a difference for me. During my first three years of marriage, my grandmother lived with us for the convenience of getting back and forth to her cancer treatments. Having my grandmother in the next room made it very difficult for me to relax and enjoy my spouse.
♦ I checked that I went along both willingly and not willingly because there were mixed emotions. At first it was more nonwillingly but as the relationship and sexual interaction continued my body desired the arousal even though I never had an orgasm. Also, you should add to the feelings section ” I continued because I felt guilty and felt that no one else would ever want me because I was used goods (even though we never had intercourse).
♦ Now at 20+ years of marriage our sex life is better than ever. In all aspects.
♦ Now we don’t have sex at all!
♦ My husband is low drive. So the 2-5 x’s per month has always been our average. About once a week.
♦ I got married after much sexual abuse and premarital sex as did my husband. I sought help, he did not. I fought for our sex life, he increasingly used porn, personals, prostitutes, and emotional affairs. Water level seeks its own. It is hard to stand by him now as he seeks help. It is hard to remember we are both saved by grace, I just got there first. I am desperate to keep my kids safe from abuse and premarital sex for their futures.
♦ Our sex life dipped at five years due to two very small children. It wasn’t until about year 8 of my 11 year marriage that I became aware of the ways my sexual past was negatively impacting my marriage even though I thought I had moved past it. In fact, it wasn’t until finding these marriage blogs and more recently the #metoo movement that I learned that many of the things that happened were not consensual but absolutely qualify as sexual assault. I grew up in the toxic form of purity culture and always blamed myself for not trying harder to stop these guys (after all, boys will be boys) who were coercing me into doing things I was clear about not wanting to do. It has been hard but healing to “rewrite” my past through this lens, that what happened was not what I wanted and it was not my fault. I do feel guilt about the things I did with my husband—a lot more than he does, I believe—but there’s a difference between that guilt over consensual things and the shame I felt over the nonconsensual things that happened.
♦ Disclaimer: his porn use (from before marriage and continuing into) effected ME therefore our sex life became effected. Happy to report year 7 we addressed this and are much better.
♦ Sex got messy after we had a child.
♦ I was only with 1 other person before my husband. And that was a 4 yr long relationship. I hated sexual contact with him. I never enjoyed any of it. I did it to keep him…I was young and naive and plain stupid. When I met my husband the attraction was huge. We could not control it. We did most everything before marriage. I regretted it because our wedding night and first year of marriage could’ve been so much more special! Things went downhill sexually for us until we hit the 15 year anniversary. It seems like sex is so much better the older we get. It means so much more! Also much more enjoyable. There’s a lot I regret, but I cannot change the past. All I can do now is love my husband till death do us part…with my body, mind and soul. We love our sex life.
♦ I don’t remember where we were at in five years of marriage… I know at around 7 is when I started to try to think more positively about sex then we had our third and fourth child…now they are 1 and 2, we are done having kids and trying to keep that part of our lives alive and very active.
♦ Our sexual intimacy is way better now!!
♦ Survey should also include questions about rape- my first sexual experiences were from this.
♦ I grew up with some really bad Christian theology. They completely terrified me & my first boyfriend into believing that if we had sex all of Gods wrath & judgement would pour out on us & we would have aids, sexual diseases, deformed children, & on & on & on. There was no sexual education except scare tactics. A girl could never even touch a guy’s ejaculate without risk! But kissing seemed to be ok. He reasoned, why not down there? I liked it, but was always terrified that because I liked it then I was certain it was too close to sex & God was going to make me pregnant. Fast forward to college & I knew biology a bit better to pick out some of the lies I had been told. I was still terrified of vaginal sex but I would often sit in his lap & dry hum to my climax. I also felt guilty that my future spouse never had the fun I did. I was still terrified of his ejaculate. The first time I touched his penis was to lubricate it & direct it into my butt while I sat on his lap. Why? Because of more bad theology from a college friend. It hurt & I felt really guilty afterward but it was Amazing to feel him so happy. We continued having anal about 2-3x a month until we were engaged. I thought I was being truthful when I told the pastor that I never had sex & was still a virgin, but after talking with him about sex in marriage I was super convicted & we stopped anal & grinding till the wedding day. Bad theology warped us pretty bad. I still have mental issues going down on him & still have irrational fears of getting std’s with vaginal sex. I was convinced that our first child was going to be deformed as punishment for our sexual sin pre-marriage. We both feel more comfortable with anal, but both feel SUPER guilty & ashamed because it is so strongly looked down on by others around us. I am more comfortable now with my theology and belief in Christ that I know it was bad scare theology & He’s forgiven me of ALL our sin.
♦ I was saved about year 5 of my marriage. So now my feelings regarding premarital sex are very different than they were 10 years ago when I met my spouse. And at the time that I was involved with people before my husband I felt no guilt or shame about my encounters. Now that I realize what I had done, I feel guilt.
♦ We have now been married 12 yrs and sex is great. We have sex 2-3 times per week and I orgasm at least 50% of the time if not more.
♦ We don’t seem to be able to have sex as often at this stage in our lives, 4 kids ages 8-18 take up a lot of our time and energy. When we do have sex, though, it’s so much better, and it was good, than when we were younger.
♦ We have now been married over 30 years and our sex is the best we’ve had, though not as frequent due to his issues with erections. Our sex life was at a low when we had children at home. I was often exhausted and we were both super busy.
♦ While at college, my first real boyfriend pressured me for months to have sex with him. I was a virgin at the time and told him that I was waiting until marriage. He didn’t respect my boundaries or my “no” at all, and later raped me. After that horrible experience along with all the emotional trauma, it was hard to not want to be sexual, with my now husband, before we were married.
♦ I started following Christ after marriage.
♦ 15 years in and it’s best we’ve had. 100% orgasm on both sides every time. Practice makes perfect!
♦ I was not a Christian as a teenager when sexual contact occurred with other people. I was also not a Christian when I met my future husband, so we gladly participated in sexual contact. THEN we became Christians and it all changed. No more intercourse and as little contact as we could manage before our wedding.
♦ I grew up being taught to save sex for marriage, so did my husband. It was only within the month before we got married that we started to cave. I had expressed my desire to remain a virgin until marriage to my then-boyfriend when we were first dating and it was only his respect for me and my wishes that kept us from giving in. My love language was physical touch and proved to be very hard to grapple with once we became more intimate (kissing, holding hands, etc) the longer we dated.
♦ Married previously. Had a promiscuous period, associated sex with being wanted, but always felt incredibly guilty, and it wasn’t that good, although I would O. Sex with my husband now is amazing, he makes sure I’m taken care of. We did have sex before we were married, as a friends with benefits thing, because I still associated it with love and being wanted, but I felt guilty. If I could have stopped and didn’t think he’d leave, I probably would have. For most of our pre married days, he was deployed, though. But we do have a wonderful, fully satisfying sex life now, and it feels better even emotionally than it did before we were married. I’m thankful that Jesus helped me see the truth about sex, however.
♦ Remembering 25+ years ago (frequency) is difficult. I know we haven’t had sex this year! I have used valentine’s day (rightly or wrongly) to force some communication on the issue. At least we are talking …
♦ She was a classic bait-and-switch. She was all into it while we were dating – except for sex, of course, because she was a “good Christian girl” – but it was a complete sexual shutdown the moment we said “I do”. Multiple attempts at divorce but we were too broke at the time and too in debt. Settled on counseling instead. It wasn’t until she started being sexual again after seven years that we began to heal. The sex is still just mediocre most of the time and I still think about leaving – hoping to salvage what is left of my life with another woman who enjoys sex – but it’s harder now that our relationship is getting better. I just don’t hold out any hope that I will ever have a wife that will enjoy me sexually. I often feel like God screwed me over on my wife. People ask why I don’t want kids but the truth is that I do. Just not with her.
♦ May want to add talking about sex to a future survey. It’s one of the few things I went too far before my wife.
♦ We were not walking with Christ at the time of dating so our premarital sex was constrained, although not much, by my future bride’s morality. I was completely unconstrained by my morality or lack thereof. I hurt my future bride by my sexual promiscuity before we met. Did that have an effect on our sexual relationship after we were married, we don’t know. However, through our relationship with Christ and an understanding of forgiveness and a desire to have a relationship that honors the Lord and build a strong marriage, our sex life has been improving over the years.
♦ Been married 6 1/2 years. We had sex maybe 20 times. No sex at all in the last year and seven mouths. She doesn’t even sleep with me anymore. I hate it when she tell me Jesus will meet all my needs! I think that’s a stupid statement. I thought that’s why he gave me a wife.
♦ My experience with pre-marital sex is probably the one thing I wish I could do over. Both my wife and I wish we would have waited, because it caused a lot of issues in our marriage. On the positive side, that is mostly behind us now, and our sex life went from good, to ok, to horrible, and now, 20 years in, it’s great. 3-5 per week and we’re in our mid-40s.
♦ It is difficult to rate sex with anyone as better than “Horrible” when one’s partner claims that an orgasm is more trouble than it is worth.
♦ The sex I had before marriage was also before being a Christian.
♦ My spouse and I were both very promiscuous before we met. It has caused some issues in our marriage, but through Christ we have been able to work through them.
♦ Initial pain for her caused sex to be infrequent compared to my desires. I felt like it was not as pleasant for her, so I did not initiate. How I wish we had the internet back then! Why didn’t I know to use lube?!? After childbirth pain was way less for her so we had more sex. I didn’t tell her how much I wanted her until 17 years into our marriage…stupid me. Used to be twice a month, now is 3 to 7 times a week. Very satisfied now, but I wish she enjoyed oral more, cuz I would give it every day. Have had some nice times;) time to go get some;)
♦ We were sexually active pretty much from the start of our relationship. Sex was nearly always mutual and we both seemed to enjoy it. We were both pretty inexperienced. Shortly after we got engaged, we moved in together to save money. Within a few months we decided to stop having sex to restore some level of purity before the wedding. We still shared a bed but did not have sex for over a year before our wedding day. On our honeymoon to a tropical destination, we had sex a grand total of twice in 8 days, the first time being 3 days after the wedding. What I had hoped would be a build-up due to “waiting”, turned out to be a glimpse of what our future would be. Looking back now, I can see that there was every indication that our sex life would never resume. I wish I had the courage then to call off the wedding and save myself a lifetime of misery. We function currently as co-parenting roommates and it seems very unlikely we will ever have sex with each other again.
♦ Better now than ever!! My wife is a sexual warrior!!! I am extremely blessed!!!
♦ If only SEX would stay the same as when we were first married. I’m not sure why something soooooo good has to change with time, I’m not sure how that fits into the Lord’s plan?
♦ For 35 years we averaged making love 2 times a month. In our 43rd year of marriage we had 5 months of counseling and experienced a breakthrough, now, the new normal is 2 or 3 times a week with both experiencing new pleasures. My pre-marital pressure on my wife made her the “gatekeeper” and prevented her from relaxing and experience arousal. Thanks PassionateCommitment.com
♦ Although my wife and I both engaged in and enjoyed what we did prior to marriage it is something we both wished we had not done. We were brought up in the church and that is where we met. If we could go back I am certain we would have made much more of an effort to never start before marriage. We did not have intercourse and thought it was fine and in reality we know it was not.
♦ This would be a tough to answer completely. Different experiences and related feelings fit different times and stages of different relationships, not to mention my rebellion and repentance. I answered my percentages as averages and my feelings/experiences according to the full scope, even though not everything happened in each relationship and might have happened only once.
♦ Being extremely introverted, I dated only a few girls in High school most of those set up by friends who needed a wingman to go with his date’s friend. My first encounter with my wife was just such an arrangement in fact. Several of the first few dates we had were like this. My wife was the only date I had that seemed genuinely interested in me and was at a time when she was beginning to explore her own sexuality. After marriage I became serious about my faith, and before that it had never dawned on me to be concerned if she orgasmed or not. I also had never performed oral sex before. I found out when I became concerned with her pleasure, the only way she could orgasm was via oral to orgasm followed by intercourse. This has held true for us for our entire marriage.
♦ Our sex life has gotten less and less the longer we have been married. After confessing my porn addiction and her going through menopause, it has really dropped off. I need Viagra and she needs lube and “marital aids” for it to happen.
♦ Great sex life! …but then, she and I just finished having sex a few minutes ago!!
♦ Our sex lives exploded after about 35 years of marriage, and now – at 43 years of marriage, is almost unbelievable – with my wife and I almost always having simultaneous orgasms, and my wife often more than one. She has become insatiable in her sexual appetite at 64 yrs old. Wow
♦ https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/ I have gotten more peace of mind from this subreddit than I have from over 40 years in American Christianity.
♦ At 71, my memory may be a bit limited. However, we still have non-intercourse sex 2 -3 times a months.
♦ My wife suffered severe childhood abuse and an abusive first marriage, which has greatly impacted our sex life. But she would not be alive at all, save for the mercy and grace of the Lord. She is a living testimony of Christ’s power to heal.
♦ My sexuality developed in late 70’s and mid 80’s with dating in late 80s and getting married in 91. Instead of parents, church, mentors, my spouse, or other healthy ways, my (and wife’s) sexuality heavily influenced by peers, porn, media, Hollywood. Mainly porn as I had access to A LOT of it in my home (dad, brother’s, mom’s, sister’s, and later roommates/friends, up until internet and then no reliance on others. I was always too fearful or ashamed to acquire my own. Lots of secrecy and shame. Significant brokenness and insecurity with my masculinity due to some deep father wounds too. No healthy relationship with or true understanding of God, His grace, or what he wanted for me as a man either. Felt God was simply disgusted and disappointed with me. Very screwed up thinking. Sexual purity or integrity then was comparable to leprosy…at least in my circle of relationships. I was still a virgin after my freshman year of college and it became my friends’ mission to get me laid. My answers to this survey reflect a combo of their success and my weakness of character. After a 30+ year porn & masturbation habit, been spending the last few years rewiring all that bad programming.
♦ My wife, for as long as I’ve known her, has had issues with jealousy, anxiety, depression, and a disconnectedness between herself and sexual desire. This has gotten both better and worse since having kids, but is currently on an upswing, as she has actively been working on being more sexually assertive with me. A large part of her jealousy issues stems from our time in high school (we were high school sweethearts). There were a few times I broke up with her to chase others. I’ve tried to do my best to show her I’m going nowhere this time, but I know it still bothers her on occasion.
♦ It was in with a bang @ 5years it sucked which led to her affair which has led to problems in the marriage relationship that still exists nearly 20 years later.
♦ The way I felt about it THEN, versus the way I feel about it NOW, is very different. I think I messed things up by premarital sex, both with spouse & others.
♦ Since hugging and holding hands are options I would suggest that nuzzling be added. DW and I didn’t kiss on the lips before marriage but we nuzzled a lot.
♦ Add phone sex to the list. We did that plenty. My wife was a virgin and I was her only boyfriend. She had been mildly molested as a kid by a cousin, but not marred severely. With me, she was curious and aroused easily. I had plenty of prior experience and was not disciplined to not awaken her passions until marriage. So I let and encouraged us to go farther than we should have. I regret it and all the other girls I pushed the line with.
♦ 19 years later it is Awesome! I have changed a lot and she has too.
♦ My future wife were sexually active (including intercourse) prior to becoming Christians and becoming engaged, so I struggled with how to answer. I eventually decided to answer the survey based solely on our activity after the engagement.
♦ It was much better for me than my wife, but I didn’t know. She hasn’t had an orgasm at all for the first year. I really wish I knew what was going on for her. I wish I’d had some good Christian books out counseling. Things have become very difficult now 30 years later. I feel like if we could have discussed it, understood, things could have been much better than they are now in all areas of our relationship. However, I guess that’s how we learn. So I’m learning.
♦ I found these questions to be oddly specific and hard to answer because of the level of detail being asked for activities that happened so many years ago. I found myself guessing while saying “I don’t know…” to myself.
♦ I really wished I would have waited until we were married. We both had partners before we were married. I had a real difficult time accepting that she had two partners before me. I was constantly asking her comparison questions. That irritated her to no end. She didn’t care about my partners. I guess it is a guy thing.
♦ I felt like I got the classic bait and switch with my wife. She couldn’t keep her hands off me and always seemed as willing as me for sex before marriage. After marriage she didn’t care at all about sex.
♦ As 2 believers who had no previous sexual contact with other people and participated in pre-marital sex with one another, it had a negative effect on our marriage/sex life. Once the sexual relationship started during our dating, we both effectively shut-out the Holy Spirit’s leading in this area of our lives. After becoming married, my spiritual leadership was compromised by our past sexual sin, causing my wife to question my sincerity and trust my motives. Rather than respecting her and protecting her/my purity, I gave into sexual temptation and took advantage of the feelings my future wife had for me. This lack of protection led to a genuine lack of intimacy; physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. Blinded by our “pleasurable” sin to our significant differences, when we married and sex was no longer illicit, we truly didn’t know one another. Looking back, although outwardly perceived as humble and faithful to Christ, I worshipped at the altar of our sexual relationship. Both of us, in our early 20’s, were actively serving in our church, but in my pride and selfishness, I failed to believe that there would be lasting consequences of our sin. During our 2nd year of marriage, after much disappointment, I began seeking the Lord and was led to a time of repentance and confession; first to the Lord, then to my wife, and finally, as couple. Marriage does not void the sin of pre-marital sex; what was unholy was still unholy. The marriage bed is only undefiled when married. Two books which were helpful: Reclaiming Intimacy by Heather Jamison and Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. Today, our sex life is not what it could be; 1-2 times a month (for the most part) throughout our 20 years of marriage. It is vibrant, adventurous, and “full” when we make love, but the scars still remain. The emotional and spiritual healing continues to take place in my wife’s heart as God continues to show me where the idolatry of sex desires to rear its ugly head.
♦ Although we have had a lot of sex in our marriage, we have always struggled with our sexual relationship. My wife was sexually abused as a child and never got over it. Now, after over 30 years of marriage, during much of which we taught that God’s design is for a couple to make love daily, we are in a basically sexless marriage. That’s not by agreement, that’s because she, in the role as gatekeeper, has decided we don’t need to have sex.
♦ Sex has never been great in our marriage. It is great when we had it most of the time, but pre-vasectomy contraception and 3 kids and poor relating and both of our pre-marriage sexual experiences, etc.. It is actually really good when we have the opportunity now, but with both working 2 jobs it is rare.
♦ After 5 year mark frequency is harder to judge with my time in the military traveling and deploying. When I would come home the frequency topped that of newlyweds for up to a month or 2. At 13.5 years, sexual satisfaction is fantastic. Consistency is there, though clearly not as much as I would like. I believe she would like more as well but schedule for work and 4 kids makes us happy to meet up 1x per week on weekend. Would definitely love to improve that statistic.
♦ Premarital sex has been one of the worst things we did for our marriage. We did abstain 6 months prior to our wedding of our 14 month courtship. Even with that 6 month break the frequency and quality have never been the same. Exception on frequency would be when officially trying to conceive. Most of our marriage has been sexless and attempts to talk about it and right the order of sex in our marriage has fallen on deaf ears or resulted in screaming match that winds up with me out of the house for weeks/months at a time. I do love my wife more than anything on Earth, but struggle to to connect with her deeply without sex/physical intimacy.
♦ I definitely wished we would have waited until marriage. Premarital sex brought baggage into our marriage that caused problems at about 10yrs into the marriage.
♦ At 5 years of marriage wife was pregnant, which changed our sex life for the better significantly. She became more relaxed and open to experimenting. Before and especially after our sex life was suffering, at least from my perspective.
♦ Are sex life has been in a bad place for a while. Almost like my wife treats me like a guy living in her house when it comes to see sex life. Flirting and hugs are almost too intense for her. When comes to sex lights off missionary and be quick no for play her idea. If someone was to ask me should I wait till marriage me saying yes would almost fill like a lie.
♦ Wife and I had really good sex in the beginning. Although now that we do not have sex at all, I can see where she was very selfish before during and after sex. It was always all about her but I enjoyed it so never realized how left out i actually was. She had a full hysterectomy several years ago and has No Desire to seek help. Believe it or not we still have a pretty good marriage, well kinda.
♦ She has always been more religious than I am. “Purity” was a very big deal to her but she assured me that she was excited about sex when we dated. Turns out it isn’t nearly so easy to undo all the horrendous preaching of her childhood. Our honeymoon was miserable. We only made it long enough for me to climax once and she had no interest at all in it. She refused to relax or enjoy it because she felt it was “sinful” since we didn’t want kids right then. Therapy has helped a bit but I feel cheated. I did the right thing. I waited! I get yelled at when I say “God screwed up on this one – He paired me with the wrong person” but it’s how I honestly feel. I wish that we had remained friends. I’ve tried for divorce several times but religious family pressure is too much right now.
♦ Even though we did nearly everything before we got married, we quickly discovered after we got married that she didn’t actually enjoy sex. She just went along with it, and encouraged it sometimes, while we were dating. For a long time, our sex life suffered and I felt I had the biggest case of bait-and-switch ever. I wanted a divorce so badly, but things didn’t work out that way financially (we both brought a LOT of debt into the marriage). Thankfully, about 8 years into our marriage she and I realized we couldn’t keep doing this. Now we are close to 15 years and I am better at meeting her emotional needs and she is much better at meeting my sexual needs. However, there is still a lot of damage that has not been healed. When we fight about sex, the “I’ve had a bait-and-switch and need to get out” thoughts come back and she is still very hesitant to really open up and enjoy sex. While much better now, this constant tension is why we have decided to never have kids.
♦ My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting married. We were sexually active during the entire time. We were in our early twenties and our hormones were raging. We’ve been married now for 14 years and had some rough patches regarding sex. Mostly because of having kids and work stress for my wife. Our sex life now is the best it’s ever been because we include God in our intimacy. The closeness and love is deeper which makes the sex better now than earlier on. Even though it was physically mind blowing back then.
♦ After five years of marriage, sexual activity and emotional enjoyment began declining. At 25+ years of marriage, sex life and marriage is dead. Unresolved issues accumulate over time and drag everything down. Kids have left and wife got a dog. I just work and pay. I still have joy and hope in Christ!
♦ I was coerced into sex by my high school girlfriend, and felt extreme shame over the fact that I couldn’t resist her. When I met my wife I never wanted to have sex until marriage but we went way too far, way too fast, and neither of us seemed to be able to stop ourselves. Then, as soon as we were married she suddenly lost desire for much sex at all. I was completely devastated.
♦ Sexual activity including intercourse should be reserved for the marriage bed…
♦ I was lucky that my wife and I gave our virginity to each other, even though it was unfortunately before marriage. Later, we broke up, were with others, and then came back to each other. Luckily being with a couple others has never been a problem in our marriage. Porn has been the main problem, and withholding of sex the other problem.
♦ Only two contacts with other people, very brief (unknown guys) both with men, not women
♦ The biggest reason for the decrease in orgasms 5 years in is more due to age related and physical pain related issues rather than sexually caused issues. We are both in our mid 50s and can’t do what we used to.
♦ Having children made a big difference.
♦ I was no angel before marriage, my wife was experienced as well. I’ve never had any guilt about it, if I was single again I’d do the same thing.
♦ Sex is godly. Have lots of it with your spouse.
♦ Sex was good through 15 years… heading down to a low at 20 years and has not recovered substantially. Medical/psychological issues with her.
♦ I was only ever with two people: my freshman sweetheart and my wife. If I had it to do again, I wouldn’t have had premarital sex. At the time, I was a moderate Christian at best. Knowing now what I know, it would have been so much better had we waited.
♦ And at 28 years of marriage we’re not open enough with one another to overcome difficulties of low libido and dryness issues so we never have intercourse any more just a weekly hand job and regular backstrokes.
♦ In our case, I pushed for “heavy petting”, but she pushed for sex, so hard to answer.