SURVEY – Are you “getting enough” sex in your marriage

Are you “getting enough” sex in your marriage?
212 men and 50 women answering
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Note: More than half of those who answered this survey were over 45. This will have reduced the frequency numbers. No couples under 34 were having sex less than once a month. For older couples, the less than once a month rate was 10% of couples 35-44, 21% for those 45-54, and 24% for couples 55 and up.

How does the sexual frequency in your marriage (any form of sex with your spouse) compare to your ideal frequency?

  • A third of women, and half as many men, were happy with the amount and kind of sex they are having.
  • An additional 12% of women and 11% of men said there was enough sex, but not enough of the kind of sex they want.
  • 31% of women and 39% of men said they are having less sex than they want.
  • 18% of women and 35% of men said they are having way less sex than desired.
  • 4% of women and no men said they are having more sex than they want.
  • Women 34 and under were four or more times as likely as older women to say they are having enough sex, but not the kind of sex they want.

In an average week, how often do you and your spouse have some form of sex?

  • The most common sexual frequency is once a week, reported by 24% of men and 23% of women.
  • 41% of men and 31% of women say they have sex less than once a month. This includes sexless marriages, reported by 7% of women and 11% of men.
  • 16% of men and 26% of women say they are having sex 3 times a week or more.

WOMEN’S COMMENTS

  • Two kids 2 and under 🙂
  • What constitutes sex? PIV probably averaged less than once a month. Handjobs for him were requested 1-3 times per month
  • We have sex, but it’s usually for him. I get an occasional orgasm from oral sex, but that’s it. I feel if more women enjoyed sex and received pleasure, then couples would have more frequent sex. It can’t be one-sided!
  • Husband’s porn addiction is cause of sexless marriage
  • My husband’s libido and ability to have an orgasm keeps us at once a week. I am on testosterone pellets, which has increased my libido.
  • Teen kids and lack of a soundproof room limits my times of freely enjoying sex.
  • We aren’t having sex as frequently in the past few months mainly due to busy schedules and exhaustion. We both would like to have sex at least 3 times a week, but it is hard right now
  • Age interferes a lot. Both of us have a much harder time reaching orgasm. Right now I seem completely unable to get there, no matter how much he tries. He takes sildenafil in a low dose but at least half the time can’t sustain an erection the whole time but the need causes so much nasal congestion he dislikes trying a higher dose. But we are so grateful we can still be together sexually and we try to be happy with what we are able to do. Any direction or suggestions you have for sex when older would be great.
  • It’s hard being the woman with the higher desire. If I talk about it is seen as a slight towards my husband as opposed to me just having greater needs. Also women are told not to pressure men but women who are lower desire are told to submit to their husbands.

MEN’S COMMENTS

  • We had a great sex life for 25 or so years, pretty much daily sex sometimes 2 or 3 times on Sunday. Then menopause hit hard!
  • Lack of sex is why I am no longer married. I feel so much better no longer fighting over my needs not being met.
  • My wife has vulvar vestibulitis, which limits the frequency.
  • How or what can I do to help my wife(female) to want/desire sex as much as I do?????
  • My biggest complaint, even more than the frequency, is that my wife seems to have literally no sense of responsibility for our sexual relationship. But in the rest of her life she is a high performer, accepts responsibility easily, works hard, is a self starter, etc. If she put forth half as much effort in being a partner in this part of our marriage as she does in virtually every other part of her life (or the effort she expects I will expend in my responsibilities as a husband, father, provider, citizen, and in the yard) I would be a pretty happy and blessed guy. She said several years ago that she realized that she had been selfish with me and she was sorry, but there has been only tepid follow through.
  • Wife is willing, but totally unimaginative. She kind of just serves herself up and makes herself available. Now, I realize this is her being generous and she is very easy to please, but I can only stomach so much of this. I long for more two way desire and real intimacy in the marriage. I’d probably want more if it was really good and she enjoyed it more.
  • The frequency doesn’t bother my wife, so my requests to discuss go unanswered.
  • I often think that I’d like a bit more sex but then when I really ponder it and try to get to the root of the issue I wonder if it’s simply that I want my wife to want sex more. I just want to know that for her it isn’t simply a matter of duty or routine, that she really does want me. In many ways I think she does want me. She just seems to feel that it’s not appropriate or “godly” to express that.
  • The sex is only service sex for me.
  • I could be happy with our frequency of sexual intercourse (about 3 times a month) if my wife was open to other kinds of sexual activity – mutual masturbation, handjobs, etc as a substitute. But she is a hard no on any of those. It’s always ‘just wait…we’ll have fun this weekend.’ She knows I am frustrated but she just isn’t open to any kind of compromise, no matter how I suggest it or present Christian resources that suggest such ideas. It’s intercourse or nothing for her, every time. She also is pretty cool to the idea of me masturbating for relief; I don’t think she even understands why I would feel that need. So I just do it in private anyway and don’t tell her. It is frustrating but nothing I do seems to change things.
  • Medical problems …frequent cistitus
  • I would like 5x a week
  • It may be more of a consistency issue, there are weeks when things are good (emotionally, relationally, etc) and we are more playful and intimate. And those weeks it is probably more like 4-5 times in a week. But those weeks are outnumbered 2 or 3 to one with weeks where there is very little intimacy, playfulness, or sex. We are more distant or less connected, usually in my mind because of sex and intimacy not being prioritized… which leads me to feel less connected and less there for her in non-sexual ways. I’m working on not withdrawing, and more clearly communicating when I am feeling that way… but we have to work our way out of that place again each time.
  • My wife has not been intimate with me for over 25 years due to ptsd from childhood rape, and teenage prostitution.
  • My wife is wonderful about a quick one, but prefers vanilla for ‘us’, even though she enjoys more if we ever have time. Tired with kids and body image for her makes that difficult. So I understand, but I often want more engaged or playful sex.
  • Q4 would be a tossup between the 2nd & 4th answer
  • Desire sex 3 times a week. We average twice a month. Masturbation helps keep me sane.
  • Waited till wedding night, only engaged sexually maybe 60-70 times total.
  • I am overwhelmed and overworked so my perception is skewed toward a lower desire pattern of behaviour than may be healthy for a married man.
  • I would be so excited if my wife would just be a bit more equal in desire……….i have tried everything to no avail………very hard.
  • We’re in a season of sickness and tiredness, so having less sex than usual
  • I’ve learned that the level of connection and intimacy we share in a sexual encounter is far more important than how often we have intercourse. When we are connecting on a truly intimate level, I am fulfilled with fewer sexual encounters. When we are not connecting, I tend to see more sex as the way to reconnect, and yet it backfires and feels empty when we have sex without that deep connection.
  • Have had one instance of sex (handjob) since 2014. Wife has had a myriad of health issues that have caused her to be unable to have sex, and when she is able, her libido is flatlined. Hoping things will improve soon as she appears/acts much stronger/happier
  • Sexless for the last 30 years. The 20 before that were “way less than I want”.
  • Once a week, just for me (hand job). MAYBE once a month for both of us if I’m lucky, and actual PIV maybe every other month. I really don’t understand this because she says she likes it and always has 5-10 orgasms, but still is only willing once a month (at most). I absolutely LOVE bringing her to orgasm.
  • My wife has several physical conditions that prevent us from having sex regularly.
  • Covid has really been hard on my wife’s mental state
  • She has chronic illness and is tired a lot. As a result, I hardly pursue. It’s much more often one time a month but three would probably be the max.
  • It’s not sexless, but if I told my wife I don’t care about sex, I think she would be ok with that :(.
  • She won’t consider intercourse or any other forms of sex and won’t see a counselor with me. I am stuck.
  • We would certainly have more but I am working a lot and have lack of desire because of impotence issues. We are trying to figure this out as it is a recent issue.
  • But it’s been a drop in drive for both of us. Neither one of us is the “cause”.
  • Our sex is one sided as I suffer from ED
  • Seems its getting better, but still not where I’d like to be
  • Several years ago I started “logging” the frequency of intercourse to make sure we were correctly knowingness often and the consistency. I found that we were actually doing it more often than I thought.
  • The definition of sexless is usually 10 or fewer times per year so less than once a month fits the same. We’ve had sex one time so far this year and it’s the end of February.
  • It’s better than it was. It’s not as good as it needs to be [for either of us]. Sex has been a 38 year battle – some years a major one, some years [like this one] a secondary.
  • Stress and life have really taken a toll this year causing drive to go down.
  • New positions and new toys are becoming increasingly less and less as we age.
  • I selected “once per week” but it averages 1.5 times per week.
  • We do some form of sex twice a week and NO more. I would like to be more around 3 or 4.
  • Until recently, question number 4 would have been answered differently…..We have the right amount of sex just not enough of the kind of sex I want.
  • Nothing during menstrual
  • I never signed up for this and wish I never got married.
  • Lately we’ve been managing Saturday and Sunday mornings, but never anything during the week. My ideal would be to add 1-2x during the week, for a total of 3-4x per week. I know I’m dreaming here, but the question does say “ideal” frequency.
  • You forgot the words “fulfilling sex” for both partners. Sex in and of itself is not great if its not fulfilling
  • My answer includes duty/pity sex. Exclude that and it’s more like 6 times a year.
  • I’m at 20 times asking and told no since November last year. Not sure why I bother to ask any more. So much for being married to avoid temptation
  • We use NFP which does require periods of abstinence every month, but during the times we can, the times she is rarely interested.

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