by guest author Chris Taylor
If you ask your husband how he would like you to sexually bless him, chances are pretty high oral sex will be near the top of that list.
Why do so many men desire oral sex? Besides the fact that it feels really good, it is solely about the man’s pleasure, so it makes him feel well cared for and special. It shows him you accept the core of his manhood in a way he can literally see. A man knows his wife is actively engaged, not just lying back passively.
While some women will jump right into this activity with no problem, it is also normal for a woman to feel uncomfortable about the idea of her mouth making contact with her husband’s penis.
Women, we can know all this intellectually. We can understand it in our hearts. But if we have never attempted it, if we’ve tried it and had problems, or if it’s been a looooong time since we’ve done it, it can be hard to know where to begin. Even when your heart wants to bless your husband and honor his request, it just isn’t likely you’re going to become a deep throat diva overnight. How can you mentally move from a state of “You want me to do what?!” to a state of “I’ve found my new superpower, and it is my mouth.” How can you get yourself more comfortable with the idea of oral sex and work yourself up to it?
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I believe in the value of small steps and the importance of remembering that slow progress is still progress. With that in mind, I’d like to suggest some steps you can take if you want to honor your husband’s request for oral sex.
Don’t just think that maybe you’ll give it a try some day. Promise yourself you will figure it out. If the idea just grosses you out, work on it. If you aren’t comfortable talking to women in your real life about this, search for assistance online. Read or participate in the forums on this site, visit blogs and online communities by Christian wives, and read what other women have to say—not only about how to do it but about why they like to do it for their husbands. Commit to figuring this out so you can bless your husband.
At this point, you don’t need to decide how far it will go. If the thought of deep throating (taking the penis far back into your mouth so it touches your throat) or having him ejaculate in your mouth is too much for you to think about right now, set those aside until you’re further along in the process. Remember oral sex feels awesome to him for as long as you can do it—and if you are ready to give him an orgasm in another way once you’ve given oral sex as long as you can, you’re still making progress.
Get comfortable touching it and looking at it closely. Remind yourself his penis is for you, not just for him. If you have concerns about cleanliness, ask your husband to take a good scrubby shower first. (If he knows what is waiting for him, he probably won’t mind.) Let yourself be amazed at the contrast between soft skin and hard flesh. Get familiar with how it responds to your touch. Get to know all the other zones around the penis (not just the scrotum). Use touch to get to know your man’s manhood.
Maybe you’ll need to work up to it. Start by having your face near the penis while you’re touching it. Let him feel your breath. When you’re ready, kiss it–on the shaft, on the tip, where ever. Once you’re comfortable kissing it, add an occasional lick. All this can be done without even putting any of the penis into your mouth. Then, when you’re ready, put his manhood in your mouth. Start with just the head. Allow yourself to get comfortable slowly. It may take you a few weeks to get to this point. Once you’re ready, put his manhood as far in your mouth as you find comfortable. And then let him tell you what he’d like you to do with your tongue and lips.
Women have quite a few reasons for not wanting to provide their husbands with oral sex. Fortunately, there are quite a few things to try in working through these reasons.
The most common problem women have in giving oral sex is the gag reflex. I have a strong gag reflex, so this issue is near and dear to me. Here are some suggestions you can try to work through your own gag reflex.
Some women say the 69 position works well, so that is definitely worth a try. Remember, though, you are dealing with two unique bodies. The angle of your husband’s erection, your height, your health (such as sinus problems, arthritic knees, GERD), and your comfort all matter. One woman may do best while she lies on her back with her head hanging off the edge of the bed while her husband stands next to the bed; another woman may find she can’t breathe in this position. What works well for one woman may not work well for you; in fact, what works well for you in your late 20’s might not work well as you approach 50 or 75. Try different positions until you find something that does a better job of keeping your gag reflex at bay. Also, remember that you don’t need to use the same position the entire time. Oral sex for the purpose of arousal may work nicely in a position that doesn’t work well for the thrusting that may accompany his orgasm.
You could practice using a popsicle stick or a banana to help develop some control over the gag reflex. The only way to get better at oral sex is to just keep doing it. Once I dedicated myself to getting really comfortable with it, I just kept trying. I would use different positions for my body and different angles for my head. The more I did it, the longer I could go. If your gag reflex kicks in, give yourself a moment to recover and then get right back to it. Perseverance and commitment go a long way here.
It helps me to know I’m in control of the depth of any thrusting. I don’t do well at all if my husband grabs my head so I’ve asked him to grab at my hands instead. Many women find the best way to control depth is to have a hand wrapped around the base of the penis while giving oral sex. This adds some different sensations, and with an edible lube (such as coconut oil or a flavored gel) to help your hands, you can keep the feeling of wet and warm for your husband. Basically, if you can control the thrusting, your gag reflex may be less likely to be triggered.
One woman commented, “I used to hate the gag reflex, but I now use it to my advantage. . . . I actually USE my gag reflex for more lubrication.”
You can purchase numbing throat sprays marketed specifically for oral sex or generally for sore throats. It doesn’t completely numb the throat, but it can make it easier for you to last longer.
One woman said doing oral sex in front of a mirror gives her husband something sexy to look at in order to make up for the fact that she is still struggling with deep throat oral sex. Another idea is to do a striptease before starting oral sex and then do a lot of teasing with your hands. If you generate a great deal of arousal ahead of time, you won’t need to do oral sex for as long as you otherwise might.
Try to reframe your thinking on this. If you’re having any kind of sex, there will be semen. It is the seed of life. Semen is a sexual and intimate part of your husband. It can be hurtful for a man to hear that this intimate part of himself, the substance that represents his manhood, is gross or disgusting. It is like saying he as a man is gross or disgusting. Even if you can’t reshape your thinking about semen, you can speak kindly about it. Learn to accept it, even if you can’t come to embrace it.
I’ll confess—I don’t love the consistency or taste of semen. Fortunately, I’ve discovered a trick—chocolate syrup! Just a drop or two on the tip of the penis is enough to disguise the consistency of pre-ejaculate. (There are also flavored gels made just for this purpose.)
When I am able to have him finish in my mouth, there’s always just a bit of chocolate still in my mouth, so it helps with that, too. With chocolate syrup, it’s a win-win. My husband gets to be orally blessed, and I get chocolate. What’s not to love? (A word of caution: if you plan to follow oral sex with intercourse, it would be better to use unsweetened yogurt. The sweetness from any residual chocolate syrup is not healthy for your vagina. Also, chocolate syrup isn’t a good idea if either you or your husband has diabetes.) Pineapple juice (to be drunk by your husband, not actually used during oral sex) sweetens the taste of semen. If your issue is flavor rather than consistency or texture, this is worth trying.
Face it. Dealing with stray hairs in the teeth or on the tongue isn’t on anyone’s bucket list. One solution is for your husband to trim or remove the hair on the shaft, scrotum, or entire pubic region to make a more pleasant experience for you. If this is something you and your husband would like to try, you can even do the shaving/trimming as part of foreplay.
There’s a lot else that happens in this area of your husband’s body; sweat accumulates in the folds of the groin and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, your husband’s rear end is pretty close by. Any inattention to hygiene is going to be an issue for most women. You’re going to be breathing through your nose, after all. Ask your husband to take a shower or quick sponge bath. You could even take one with him; this will give you a chance to start with some foreplay as well as make sure he’s as clean as you want him to be. Or, if you’d like to try some role-playing, you could be a sexy nurse giving your husband a sponge bath in bed. I keep some baby wipes in the bedroom just in case one of us needs to do a quick hygiene touch-up. Sometimes I’ll add extra scent to the room (either candles or some sexy lotion on my legs) to help disguise unwanted fragrance as well.
For some of us, giving oral sex can be physically difficult. What can you do if oral sex is uncomfortable? Take frequent breaks from the action. If I keep my fingers around the base of the penis, then I can keep up with stimulation even if I have to take a quick break. If you know ahead of time you will be giving oral sex, take some medication ahead of time if that is something that would alleviate discomfort. (See this post for more tips on dealing with discomfort and pain related to oral sex.)
The same thing that can help with the gag reflex works here, too: Add other stimulation to decrease the actual mouth time. Have oral sex in front of a mirror so your husband can watch from multiple angles. Begin with a striptease or a massage or a good handjob to get him all worked up before your mouth moves in for the action.
You may have many reasons you would prefer not to give your husband oral sex. I get it. It isn’t easy to get past some of them. I still struggle with it sometimes. But every single time I push through these struggles, I know my husband comes away feeling incredibly loved and blessed. And he’s worth it.
Oral sex certainly is not the only way to sexually bless your husband, but if it’s something your husband has requested and you want to expand your sexual repertoire, it’s a good thing to get comfortable with. Whether you are trying to get to a point where you’re able to hold his manhood in your mouth for a few minutes, enjoy swallowing, or become a deep throat expert—if you are doing it to provide greater pleasure for your husband, it is good.
RELATED READING: Articles by J Parker Oral Sex: How To How Important Is Technique? Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1 Articles by Julie Sibert Enough With the Double Standards Regarding Oral Sex An Important Follow Up on the Oral Sex Post Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex? Some Thoughts on Oral Sex… Does Your Husband Demand Certain Sex Acts?
Chris Taylor writes at Honeycomb & Spice, where she encourages Christian wives as they work to grow in their approach to sexual intimacy in their marriages. She also is part of the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast team and one of the women behind Knowing Her Sexually, a ministry for Christian husbands.
woman/icecream cone © StockSnap | Pixabay
woman/banana © oneinchpunch / Adobe Stock
chocolate syrup © StockSnap / Pixabay
Chris © Chris Taylor