Who doesn’t enjoy a survey about sex? These surveys are not representative of the population as a whole, or even of Christians as a whole; however, some of the results are instructive. The surveys were originally posted on facebook with links in from Twitter. The audience taking these surveys are primarily Christian, married, and “sex positive”. The surveys are all still active, and we will update results from time to time.
The majority of women say they like to performing oral sex on their husband. 50% said they enjoy it because he does. 40% really like it and get turned on doing it, and 16% say they love it and it drives them wild to do it.
The biggest problem was ejaculation, with just over a quarter saying they like it except for that part.
When she is receiving:
36% like how excited their husband gets by doing it on them.
35% like receiving as foreplay, but would rather finish with intercourse.
Many women are uptight about their genitals – 25% are only open to it if they just showered, 17% can’t understand why he is willing to do it, 8% say they feel gross when he does it and 6% will only accept oral sex in the dark.
18% said oral on them was their favourite sex act.
Of those who masturbate, only 14% says their wife knows they do it, and how often they do it. 18% say their wife has no idea they masturbate, while 20% say their wife may suspect. Half say they do it more often than their wife thinks.
Of those who do, frequency looks like this:
16% – Once a month
23% – 2-3 times a month
26% – 4-6 times a month
17% – 7-14 times a month
10% – 15-22 times a month
5% – 23-31 times a month
3% – more than 31 times a month
Top reasons for masturbating were
52% – Said their drive was higher, and they did not want to bother their wife.
43% – Use masturbation to relieve stress
35% – Do it because their wife says no often.
28% – Use masturbation as a sleep aid
27% – Do it to keep from being mad at their wife when she says no.
Porn was only a reason for 13% of men.
19% just ike to do it, even when there is plenty of sex with their wife.
Half of those doing it don’t feel it’s wrong, while 16% think it is sin and wish they could stop. More than a quarter think it’s wrong they have to – she should be doing more. Just under a quarter think it is wrong only because they are not honest about it with their wife.
Foreplay lasts 1-5 minutes for a quarter of women, and 6-10 minutes for another quarter. One in five says 11-15 minutes, and about 10% for each 16-20 minutes and 21-25 minutes.
When asked how long they would like foreplay to last, the numbers pointed to longer times. Only 6% wanted less than six minutes. 18% were okay with 6-10 minutes, 27% wanted 11-15 minutes, 25 % wanted 16-20 minutes, and 25% wanted more than 20 minutes.
Still, 42% found the amonut of foreplay good, and 35% said it was short but okay. 12% said it was not enough, while 10% said it ran a bit too long.
When asked what detracted from foreplay:
47% Said he goes for their genitals too fast.
44% Would like more kissing throughout foreplay, instead of just at first
44% Would like more cuddling.
40% Want more nonsexual touch before he goes for their breasts.
It seems most women find afterplay lacking. Half said there was none or not nearly enough, and only fifteen percent gave their husband high marks. In the comments 3% indicated they have no need for afterplay, and seven percent say they are the one who falls asleep, so for a minority of women a lack of afterplay is not an issue.
Question: Ladies, when sex is “over” how does your husband do at afterplay?
25% He does pretty well
17% No afterplay
15% He does very well
14% What afterplay, he falls asleep right away.
13% Some, but not enough or not good enough
7% I fall asleep right away.
Physical intimacy is the most desired afterplay – seven in ten women want to cuddle or snuggle, half want to fall asleep in his arms and almost a quarter want to kiss. Communication was also important to many, but the form desired varied a great deal. Affirmation of some sort was mentioned by about half the women. One in five wants mildly sexual touching and the same number would like another orgasm. (There was some overlap in these two – one third who want mildly sexual touching also want another orgasm, while two thirds do not.)
Question: What do you most want right after sex? (Choose up to three)
51% To go to sleep in his arms
34% Words of love
21% Affirmation in general
19% Mildly sexual fondling
19% Another orgasm
19% Affirmation about sex
13% Him telling me how good the sex was
10% Small talk
8% Deep conversation
6% A snack
4% Discussing sex
Question: Which of the following do you NOT want after sex? (Pick all that apply)
The top answer, him leaving the room, was not on the original survey – it was added because it was noted in the other section by two of the first five who took the survey. With two thirds of the women choosing this, it is clearly a big no-no to make love and run! Among the other answers we see that more women are opposed to sexual foundling after sex than want it – 26% versus 19%. The two most common answers in the “other” section were him falling asleep immediately, and getting onto his phone or computer.
51% went all the way before the wedding, while 17% did not go beyond kissing.
A quarter engaged in manual sex with climax for both, and 9% did the same with only one climaxing.
Oral sex with both climaxing occurred in 18% of the couples, and oral with only one climaxing in 9%.
Anal sex was fairly rare at 5%
Of those who had intercourse, 45% wish they had not, while 30% are glad they did, 11% say their premarital intercourse has caused some problems after marriage, and 12% say it’s caused a lot of problems.
55% wish they had done less, while only 8% wish they had done more.
The clear message to those who are not yet married is that premarital sex is a gamble with the odds stacked against you.
36% Have sex, but only at the very end when it is mostly over.
17% Report no changes or limits compared to the rest of the month.
15% Avoid intercourse, but do other things for each other.
7% Masturbate together.
23% Engage in manual or oral for him, but nothing for her.
Half a dozen mentioned having sex in the shower, and about as many said they use something like the Instead softcup during intercourse.
The 296 women reported the following reasons or any limits:
59% because she does not like the mess
45% because he does not like the mess
15% sighted pain or discomfort
13% said they have no sex drive during their period
4% said they think it is morally wrong
5% said their husband thinks it is morally wrong
The 201 men gave similar answers to reasons for limits:
52% because he does not like the mess
50% because she does not like the mess
19% said she has pain or discomfort
8% think she is using it as an excuse to say no
8% said they think it is morally wrong
4% said their wife thinks it is morally wrong
It is interesting that men are more likely than women to see sex during menstruation as wrong.
As to solo masturbation during her period:
27% of the women sometimes masturbate during their period. Half say their husband knows, half say he does not. The women who masturbated were more likely than the whole to have said sex is limited because of his concerns over the mess or moral issues. This was especially true for the women who masturbate secretly.
28% of men masturbate because of sexual limits during their wife’s period. Half say she knows, half say she does not.
Note: Several questions did not give a does not apply answer, sorry about that!
This was a quick little survey in honour of the first International Clitoris Awareness Week. The results were pleasantly surprising – you folks are a long way from the uptight, sex in the dark, kind of people many envision when they think of Christian couples!
Of the 169 women who answered, only 10% have never used a mirror to look at their genitals. Twenty percent have looked, but not closely, while 70% have had a good look at themselves. While there was not much difference by age, younger women were LESS likely to have done this. For those under 26 only 67% had taken a good look, while for women over 55, 100% had.
For those who have not looked, the most common reason was embarrassment, followed by fear of being “grossed out” and being taught, “nice girls don’t do that”.
Of the 234 men who answered, 90% have had a good long, well-lighted look at their wife’s vulva. Eight percent have had a peek but not a good look, while 2% have never had even a peek.
Age had very little impact on this, but younger men were slightly more likely to have had a good look.
As for why they have not had a good look, most men would like to, but have not been “allowed”. Only one man indicated he had no interest.
No big surprises on this one. A lot of folks are having less sex due to tiredness, and tiredness limits sexual interest more for women than men. While 79% of women said tiredness limits their sex life “somewhat” to “very much” only 40% of men say the same.
One interesting finding is that men rate their wife’s tiredness as more of a sexual limit than the women rate their own tiredness – 30% of women say it limits their sex life “a good deal”, while 38% of men say their wife’s tiredness limits sex “a good deal”. Only 18% of the women say tiredness limits their sex life “very much”, but 36% of the men say their wife’s tiredness limits their sex life very much.
How often is tiredness part of why you say no to sex?
Never part of the reason. 6%
Occasionally part of the reason. 21%
Part of the reason about half the time. 9%
Often part of the reason. 23%
Almost always part of the reason. 15%
Always part of the reason. 8%
I never say no. 16%
How significantly does tiredness limit your sex life?
Not at all 3%
Very minor 17%
A good deal 30%
Very much 18%
How often is tiredness part of why you avoid sex?
Never part of the reason. 23%
Occasionally part of the reason. 25%
Part of the reason about half the time. 11%
Often part of the reason. 9%
Almost always part of the reason. 7%
Always part of the reason. 1%
I never avoid sex. 21%
How significantly does your tiredness limit your sex life?
Not at all 25%
Very minor 35%
A good deal 11%
Very much 6%
How significantly do you think your wife’s tiredness limit your sex life?
Most couples have used sex toys. About 40% use them occasionally, while roughly a quarter use them most to all the time.
27% of the men and 32% of the women have never used sex toys in their marriage.
8% of the men and 9% of the women have used sex toys in the past, but not now.
40% of the men and 41% of the women occasionally use sex toys with their spouse.
17% of the men and 12% of the women use sex toys much of the time.
8% of the men and 7% of the women use sex toys during love making all or almost all the time.
Reasons for no longer using sex toys:
15% of women and 24% of men are no longer having sex.
39% of women and 12% of men said the toys didn’t do anything for them.
23% of women and no men don’t feel right about using them.
15% of women and 35% of men said their spouse did not feel right about using them.
What do couples use?
The most tried toy is a vibrating bullet or egg, used by 74% of couples.
Vibrating dildo was second most tried, used by 70% of couples.
penis rings have been tried by 43% of couples.
Vibrating penis rings have been used by 45% of couples.
Non-vibrating didoes have been tried by 38%.
Male masturbators have been used by 28%.
Heavy duty vibratos have been used by 25%.
Butt plugs and Ben-Wa Balls were about 20% each.
Nipple clips have been tried by 15%.
Penis sleeves have been used by 7%.
Penis and vulva pumps have been used by 2% and half a percent respectively.
What do couples most enjoy using?
Egg and bullet vibes were the clear winner here, with 20% saying they are great, 1% good, and 12% okay. Men and women rated these about the same.
Vibrating dildos were rated great by 17%, good by 17%, and okay by 12%. Women rated them great 50% more often than men did.
G-spot vibes got 14% great, 10% good, and 3% okay. Women were twice as likely to rate them good compared to men.
Heavy duty vibrators were rated great by 8%, good by 4% and okay by 2%. Men said great at three times the number of women.
Vibrating penis rings were rated great by 7%, good by 6% and okay by 14%. Women were 11% great, while men were only 5%.
penis rings got great from 6%, good from 6% and okay from 12%. Women chose good and great twice as often as men, with men choosing okay at twice the rate of women.
Male masturbators were more popular with men than women – 7% of men but no women rated them as great. 6% of both men and women said good, while 9% of men and 6% of women said okay.
No other toys got “great” ratings over 4%.
What didn’t they like?
8% of men did not like penis rings.
8% of women did not like vibrating penis rings.
4% of women did not like non-vibrating dildos.
4% of women did not like Ben-Wa balls.
No other item we listed was “not liked” by more than 3%.
One thought that showed up several times in the comments, from those who do use sex toys, was they should be used to enhance intimacy with couples, not replace it. used to enhance intimacy with couples, not replace it. “used to enhance intimacy with couples, not replace it.”
Ladies – ever do it for him and end up having a great time?
Five percent admitted they only say “yes” when they want sex, and another 9% rarely say yes when they do not want sex. Another 3% say yes when they don’t want sex, but have never “gotten into it” once they start. However, the vast majority of women find they do sometimes get into it when they did not feel like sex.
9% said, I get into after we start about 25% of the time.
18% said, I get into after we start about 50% of the time.
17% said, I get into after we start about 75% of the time.
31% said, I get into after we start more than 75% of the time.
That means about half who say yes when they do not feel like sex have 50/50 or better odds of getting into it, enjoying it, and being glad they said yes.
Even more encouraging, 37% said, “Some of the best sex I’ve had was when I didn’t feel I wanted it.”
The final question gives an interesting insight into women’s sexuality. A quarter of the women said “
When he knows it’s for him, I can relax and that makes sex easier and/or better for me.”
Half have been to a strip club. A quarter went only before being married, 17% both before and after being married, and 7% only after marriage.
Of those who have been to a strip club, 70% have received a lap dance. That would be 35% of the men as a whole.
Half those who have been have told their wife everything. Thirty percent have told her some, while 5% have only given her a hint. Thirteen percent have said nothing.
Those who went only before marriage had somewhat higher rates of telling their wife nothing (16%) or only a hint (10%). Rates for sharing it all were the same, with sharing only part being lower (22%).
For men who went only after marriage saying nothing was more common (28%). Half had told her everything, 22% some, and none had given just a hint.
Men who had been to strip clubs both before and after marriage were more likely to have received a lap dance at 77% compared to 64% for those who only went before marriage and 66% for those who only went after.
Several used the comments to say how stupid it was they had gone, and several said it was a big waste of money. Half a dozen indicated they only went because they were pressured to so do for a bachelor party of a work related event. Several mentioned they went during a difficult time with their wife, most adding they regretted it. A few of the men want to a strip club with their wife.
Note: These numbers seemed high, so we did some digging. It is difficult to find good data on this, but surveys show higher rates of strip club attendance for the population as a whole than we had here – up to 80% of all men in big cities. Of those who go to strip clubs, 80% have had at least one lap dance – a little higher than we found with this poll.
There were some gender based reporting differences in this poll. Women were twice as likely to say foreplay lasts less than five minutes, while men were twice as likely to say it lasts 10 to 14 minutes. That said, the spread was about the same, just skewed a bit. For duration of intercourse the men and women were closer in their estimations, although men said 5-9 minutes more than women, with woman being more likely to give a duration in the 20 -24 minute or 25+ minutes range. Some of this difference is likely due to age differences – 54% of the women answering were under 35, while only 38% of the men were in this age range.
Duration of foreplay
19% say 0-4 minutes is average
29% say 5-9 minutes is average
24% say 10-14 minutes is average
11% say 15-19 minutes is average
10% say 20-24 minutes is average
7% say 25 or more minutes is average
39% of women and 40% of men felt the duration of foreplay is “just right”.
34% of women and 40% of men think foreplay is a bit too short.
22% of women and 16% of men think foreplay is way too short.
3% of men and 5% of women think foreplay is a bit too long.
Less than one percent of men and one percent of women think foreplay lasts way too long.
Duration of Sex
20% say 0-4 minutes is average
32% say 5-9 minutes is average
19% say 10-14 minutes is average
12% say 15-19 minutes is average
8% say 20-24 minutes is average
10% say 25 or more minutes is average
44% of women, but only 29% of men find the duration of intercourse to be just right.
34% of women and 46% of men would like intercourse to last a bit longer.
14% or women and 24% of men want intercourse to last a lot longer.
6% of women and 2% of men think intercourse lasts a bit too long.
1% of women, and no men, think intercourse lasts way too long.
Several men said foreplay take an hour each time, while several woman complained they get no foreplay at all.
One woman showed the difference in sexual moods and the need to communicate by saying, “Sometimes I don’t want any foreplay so the foreplay is too much, other times I need far more foreplay than I get.”
Note, this survey did not clarify that I was about solo masturbation – since fixed.
Would you masturbate if you could have all the sex you want?
More men than women said they would “never” masturbate if they got all the sex they wanted – 63% to 47%!
Maybe was the answer for 15% of men and 24% of women.
14% of both men and women said rarely.
Women answered “occasionally”: more than men, 13% to 18%.
Women answered “often” slightly more than men, 1.7% to 1.4%
A couple of men said they would rather masturbate than have one-sided sex with their wife. Several said they would only do it if she was sick or they were away for work. A couple of women asked if “all the sex you want” meant sex that resulted in them having an orgasm.
Why would you masturbate was a short answer question.
I just like it, or it is different and also nice 27
Illness or separated by travel 10
Do it with her 9
To focus on fantasies 4
I want her to want it, not just do it. 3
To relax/get to sleep 3
Easy sex (more work with her) 2
To learn self-control or before sex to last longer 2
To deal with arousal not caused by my wife 1
I do not always orgasm with him, or it’s not strong, or I want more than one 12
To relax/get to sleep 8
Illness or separated by travel 6
I just like it, or it is different and also nice 6
For a quick easy orgasm 6
Do it with him 4
To focus on fantasies 3
Our schedules make it impossible for him to give me all I want 3
Notes: This is a combination of several surveys done in the past. This is an improved set of questions, and it will replace the older surveys. Past and current surveys are similar for men, but there is some divergence for women – we will see if that remains as more women answer.
As always, we assume our respondents are more sex positive than Christians are as a whole.
How often do women say no?
42% only say no if they are sick or exhausted
15% never say no, and 5% say their husband never wants sex.
11% say no rarely, no more than 10% of the time
10% say no between 10% and 20% of the time.
7% say no between 20% and 40% of the time.
9% say no between 40% and 60% of the time.
2% say no between 60% and 80% of the time.
1% admit to saying no more than 80% of the time.
Why do women say no?
A quarter of the women (24%) do not say no.
A quarter (24%) say no due to menstruation.
49% gave tiredness as a reason for saying no, and 36% say no because it is late or they need to get up early the next morning. Many women gave both these answers, but some gave only one. 55% gave one or both of these answers.
28% of women have said no because they did not feel emotionally connected with their husband.
18% listed stress as a reason for saying no.
13% say no because they feel sex is all he wants from them.
12% say no because they don’t like how they look.
12% say no because “He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not”
8% say no due to general physical pain, and 5% say no due to sexual pain.
7% say no because there is never enough foreplay.
6% say no because their husband does not turn them on.
6% have said no because they knew it would take too much effort for them to climax.
5% sometimes say no due to a lack of privacy.
How often do men say no?
48% never say no and 9% say their wife never wants sex
29% only say no if they are sick or exhausted
6% say no rarely, no more than 10% of the time
3% say no between 10% and 20% of the time.
3% say no between 20% and 40% of the time.
1% say no between 40% and 60% of the time.
0% say no between 60% and 80% of the time.
2% admit to saying no more than 80% of the time.
Why do men say no?
63% say they never say no.
28% say no due to tiredness and 14% because it is late and/or they need to get up early the next morning. Removing the overlap, 29% gave at least one of these two answers.
8% say no due to stress.
7% admit they have said no to get back at their wife for refusing in the past.
6% have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their wife.
6% have said no because they do not feel emotionally connected.
5% have said no due to sexual pain.
Only 3% have said no due to having recently masturbated.
In the comments, several men indicated they say no when they feel she is offering “mercy sex”.
Ages were bell curves with peaks at 25-34 for women and 35-44 for men.
First porn exposure (Defined as a good look at full nudity porn):
Before age 5: 1% of men and 1% of womennoct
Age 5-6: 2% of men and 4% of women
Age 7-8: 8% of men and 7% of women
Age 9-10: 17% of men and 7% of women
Age 11-12: 27% of men and 13% of women
Age 13-14: 15% of men and 17% of women
Age 15-16: 16% of men and 11% of women
Age 17-18: 8% of men and 13% of women
Age 19-20: 2% of men and 3% of women
Over age 20: 3% of men and 11% of women
I have not ever had a real look at porn: No men, and 14% of women
Fifty-five percent of men saw porn before their 13thbirthday and 49% of women before their 15th birthday.
First exposure for men is coming earlier, with 75% of those under 18 having been exposed by age ten. For those 18 to 24 85% were exposed by age 14, while for men 45-54 only 67% were exposed by age 14. (We don’t yet have enough women answering to see trends on this.)
First masturbation to orgasm:
Before age 5: 2% of men and 0% of women
Age 5-6: 2% of men and 6% of women
Age 7-8: 5% of men and 7% of women
Age 9-10: 12% of men and 10% of women
Age 11-12: 29% of men and 14% of women
Age 13-14: 30% of men and 11% of women
Age 5-16: 12% of men and 7% of women
Age 17-18: 3% of men and 13% of women
Age 19-20: 3% of men and 8% of women
Over age 20: 3% of men and 14% of women
I have never masturbated to orgasm: 0% of men and 11% of women
More women than men masturbating at a young age is usual. Normally females masturbate to orgasm at higher numbers than males up to puberty, and then the numbers for males pass those for females rapidly. The results here actually show less of that than most studies. When broken down by current age, younger men are having their first orgasm much earlier. For women the change is only slight.
It is increasingly common for a woman’s first orgasm to be from self-stimulation, and less common for it to come from some other person. Both were strong trends based on current age.
While we did not ask about age of first ejaculation, the average first age of ejaculation is 12.5. Based on this we can estimate that 20% to 25% of the men experienced orgasm before ejaculation – some years before.
Which was first?
Half of men masturbated to orgasm before they saw porn, while 41% saw porn first. For 7% the two happened at the same time.
Among women only 32% experienced masturbatory orgasm before seeing porn, and 40% saw porn before masturbating. Only 1.4% of women first saw porn and first masturbated to orgasm at the same time. 13% of women have masturbated but not see porn, while 14% have seen porn but not masturbated.
Cause of first orgasm:
Self-stimulation was the most common, being the case for 79% of men and 69% of women.
Nocturnal Orgasm was second for men at 15%, but only 1% of women (although it is likely others did but were not aware of the fact).
Manual stimulation by someone else was the cause of first orgasm for 15% of women and 5% of men.
Some other sex act with another person caused the first orgasm for 10% of women and 2% of men.
4% of women have not yet had an orgasm. All the men have had an orgasm.
Several, both male and female, noted that early porn exposure lead to a habit they found difficult to break.
Two women and one man mentioned they learned about masturbation from a female friend or relative.
One man said his first orgasm was just after puberty when a woman molested him. One other man said he was molested, but after he had self-stimulated.
26% engaged in some other orgasm producing sexual behaviour before they married
4% “messed around” but neither orgasmed
21% did not have sex together before the wedding
Some interesting age related findings on this one. The number who had no sex was fairly consistent, but the type of sex changed. Those in their 20’s were more likely to have stopped short of intercourse, while those over 30 were more likely to have “gone all the way”. For those age categories with enough responses to get a good figure:
Intercourse before the wedding
No intercourse, but something else
No sex together
Sex on the Wedding Night
79% Had intercourse
5% Things other than intercourse, orgasm for at least one of us
2% We messed around, but no orgasms
18% No sex
Glad you did, or did not, on the wedding night?
Among those who had sex the first night, 96% of the men and 89% of the women are glad they did.
Of those who did not have sex on the wedding night, 76% of the women but only 36% of the men are glad they did not.
When the party just won’t end
Twenty-eight percent of the wives, and 32% of the husbands wish they had gotten to the hotel or house sooner on the wedding night. Several also mentioned this in the comments. This desire did not correlate with age, premarital activity, or whether or not the couple had sex the first night. It did correlate with lower levels of saying “I’m glad we had sex on the wedding night”.
Who Climaxed on the Wedding Night?
43% Both of us had an orgasm.
39% He did, she did not.
1% She did, he did not.
17% Neither of us had an orgasm on the wedding night.
Doing the math, 82% of the men, but only 44% of the women had an orgasm the first night.
The man being the only one to climax was increasingly common as age dropped, while both having an orgasm was increasingly common as age increased.
Both of us had an orgasm
He did, she did not
Her odds of having an orgasm on the wedding night were greater if the couple had been sexual before the wedding.
Four people said they stopped having sex together when they got engaged or shortly after that.
One woman sometimes orgasmed from kissing before the wedding.
Half a dozen volunteered they still have guilt over their premarital sex, about 30 expressed regrets they did not wait.
Sixteen individuals said they tried to have intercourse the first night, but could not due to pain or other problems. The questions don’t give enough information to nail this down, but at least 10% of the virgins were unable to complete intercourse the first night.
Several men expressed being disappointed or upset they did not have sex the wedding night. One man who had already had sex with his bride to be is angry more than a decade later that they did not do it the first night.
Three women said they do not recall if they orgasmed the first night, but they know they enjoyed the sex.
A number of women, and some men, wish they and or their spouse had been better educated about sex, especially about foreplay, sex with a virgin woman, and the need for lube. The possibility of pain and how to deal with that is something a number of people would have liked to know about.
Many indicated they had no idea it would take time to learn to give and receive pleasure. Along similar lines, quite a few say their expectations for the first time were unrealistic.
A couple of women who were virgins praised their husband for being loving and unselfish, taking their time, lots of non-sexual touch to start, a relaxed atmosphere, and so on.
Despite it being a choice on one question, a number of men and women said they wish they had left the reception earlier, not driven or flown as far that night, or not had to grab a plane so early the next morning.
“Take your time”, and “go slow” were offered as advice for others by many.
Finally, one woman gave a great example of how it can be:
I feel like we were well prepared and had reasonable expectations. Both of us were Virgins our wedding night, and a couple that were both of our close friends made us a honeymoon bag with all the things we didn’t know we needed (lube, Tylenol, lotion, Chapstick, bubble bath, feminine wipes, panty liners…etc) we read “sheet music” by dr. Leman a week before the wedding and talked through our expectations and fears and excitements. First time, genuinely awkward and we laugh every time we look back on it. But we spent that first week together naked and unashamed, exploring one another, learning how things worked and simply enjoying it. No shame. No guilt.
Women like sex just before going to sleep, with 38% saying it is the best and 30% saying it was great.
The middle of the night was second favourite for women, with 22% saying it is the best and 21% saying great.
Noonish and before dinner were the least liked times for women, with fewer than 7% rating either “the best” and 35% and 41% rating these times from horrible to just okay.
When we wake up had the most varied answers for women. At 7% it had the highest “horrible” rating, and 43% rated it below good. However, 11% said it was the best and 25% said it was great.
Men’s time preferences:
Men also rated just before going to sleep highly, but less so than women with 31% saying it is their best. It was still best for more men than any other time.
The middle of the night got the second highest “best” rating for men at 21%, with 29% rating it great.
Men agreed with women on before dinner being a poor time, with only 8% rating it the best and 26% rating it below good. Noonish was rated as best buy only 7%, but was rated “great by 40% and “good” by 24%.
When we wake up was much better for men than for women, being “the best” for 15% and only 18% rating it less than good.
Time preferences and age:
For men when we wake up was increasingly popular with age, while the popularity of just before we go to sleep and the middle of the night decreased with age. Given that men have less testosterone as they age and more testosterone in the morning, these finding make sense.
Age differences for women were less clear, but when we wake up and mid-morning were both lower for women in their 30’s. This may be related to children – see comments below.
Women and sex under different circumstances:
Overworked: 22% said sex would help a lot, and 18% said it would help some, while 40% had no interest.
Stressed: 38% said sex would help a lot, and 20% said it would help some, while 28% had no interest.
Worried: 30% said sex would help a lot, and 31% said it would help some, while 37% had no interest.
Depressed: 27% said sex would help a lot, and 21% said it would help some, while 41% had no interest.
Just lost my job: 19% said sex would help a lot, and 19% said it would help some, while 35% had no interest.
Mourning a death: 21% said sex would help a lot, and 18% said it would help some, while 46% had no interest, including 24% who said “no way”.
Just fought with spouse: 23% said sex would help a lot, and 16% said it would help some, while 48% had no interest, including 24% who said “no way”.
Feeling disconnected from spouse: 47% said sex would help a lot, and 14% said it would help some, while 33% had no interest.
ASAP after getting home from a separation: 61% said sex would help a lot, and 14% said it would help some, while only 11% had no interest.
Men and sex under different circumstances:
Overworked: 60% said sex would help a lot, and 18% said it would help some, while 11% had no interest.
Stressed: 72% said sex would help a lot, and 14% said it would help some, while 7% had no interest.
Worried: 51% said sex would help a lot, and 22% said it would help some, while 13% had no interest.
Depressed: 52% said sex would help a lot, and 21% said it would help some, while 15% had no interest.
Just lost my job. : 44% said sex would help a lot, and 11% said it would help some, while 19% had no interest
Mourning a death: 26% said sex would help a lot, and 22% said it would help some, while 27% had no interest, including 11% who said no way.
Just fought with spouse: 38% said sex would help a lot, and 22% said it would help some, while 23% had no interest.
Feeling disconnected from spouse: 63% said sex would help a lot, and 15% said it would help some, while 16% had no interest.
ASAP after getting home from a separation: 79% said sex would help a lot, and 6% said it would help some, while only 2% had no interest.
I have to remind myself when I am stressed or overworked that sex will help…my initial response is hesitation, but as soon as I am into it, I remember how much of a difference it makes!We have three little kids. The best time is after they go to bed.
I answered all time questions with my 3 small boys in mind. Throw kids out of the equation and my answers would likely change.
Some of my answers might change w/o kids in the house. For instance, mid-morning is my time to get stuff done before kids clamor for assistance with this, that, whatever. So I’m less inclined to feel amorous then.
Sex is best during ovulation because for some reason it rids me of some of my inhibitions and I am more willing to of out of my comfort zone.
I need sex regularly to reaffirm that I am a loved and desirable wife no matter the time or circumstances. Without it, I am left easily tempted to feel like I am unworthy, ugly, undesirable, and worthless. I tell hubby that I wear many hats in life and I just want to feel like a wife again!
For me, it’s not the act of sex but the intimacy that I desire. So, if there is emotional intimacy before the act, there’s never a bad time.
The best time for sex for me is when she wants to. Which lately has been more often and we are both feeling much closet because of it.
I think Sex is a great soother. It makes things okay. It isn’t an excuse to not talk or work things out. It just speaks in a way words cannot. Helps with connection in all of the above situation.
We have 6 kids (ages 2 – 12) so we have to plan our times together (1x a week). This makes it good for me so that I know we can be together so that I don’t end up wondering if / when / making moves at the wrong time, etc… My wife likes it so that she has some control of “when” so that she can plan and be in the mood. Sometimes neither of us are in the mood BUT we show up and get in the mood.
I was willing, but I did it for him, not for me. 11%
I would rather not have, but did not say no. 7%
I was mildly coerced. 2%
I was strongly coerced. 3%
I felt I had to do it to keep him. 3%
I was mildly drunk. 1%
I was very drunk. 1%
I was unconscious. 0%
I was molested. .7%
It was rape. 2%
The two who had first intercourse at 12 or younger were raped/molested. Three who were 15 or 16 and one who was 17 or 18 were raped. No others indicated they lost their virginity in what they considered rape. However, those who have first intercourse at 13 or 14 all indicated they were coerced in some way and none of them wanted to have sex. By the ages of 15 and 16 the majority were willing, and more so as age increased.
The rates of answering yes to “Yes, but I had reservations.”, “I was willing, but I did it for him, not for me.”, “I would rather not have, but did not say no.”, and I felt I had to do it to keep him.” All dropped steadily as age increased, with a significant drop after age 18.
Those who said first intercourse was very much consensual, based on age of occurrence:
14 or younger 0%
30 or over 75%
Was your first intercourse with your then or future husband?
Yes, after the wedding. 50%
Yes, before the wedding. 20%
Four women indicated they were engaged to the man who took their virginity, but did not get married.
Did you have pain or difficulty the first time you had intercourse?
No pain at all. 24%
Mild Pain 25%
Moderate pain 25%
A lot of pain 19%
Extreme pain 8%
Age of first intercourse did not have a huge impact on pain. Extreme pain was more common for women over 30, but the number of women in this age group is small so the results may be skewed.
Did you achieve full penetration the first time?
Yes, but it hurt too much to keep going. 10%
No, only part way. 18%
No, not at all. 8%
So a quarter did not manage full penetration, and only two-thirds were able to fully penetrate and keep going.
Did you do anything before or at first intercourse that helped?
We had a lubricant. 30%
I have been penetrated before by finger or something larger than a finger. 31%
I had stretched myself. 10%
I had an orgasm before he tried to penetrate me. 4%
There was a lot of foreplay 34%
An Ob/Gyn had warned me I might have difficulty. 4%
An Ob/Gyn had done something to help me (hymenectomy, dilators, etc.) 1%
Other (please specify) 8%
What reduces pain:
Intentional stretching before first sex was the best at reducing pain. Only 10% had pain in the two highest categories, as compared to 17% of women in general.
Previous penetration “by finger or something larger” moved more women into the lower pain levels, but did not reduce the number in the two highest categories.
Having an orgasm before penetration moved women to the two ends of the pain scale, with 50% more having no pain, but three times as many experiencing extreme pain.
A lot of foreplay was good, resulting in more in the low pain levels and slightly fewer in the higher pain levels.
Previous penetration, stretching, and foreplay all increased rates of full penetration and being able to keep going. Having an orgasm first increased the rate of not fully penetrating.
A few notes on lubricants:
Several women said they will forever be grateful to the person who provided them with lube.
Use of a lube was common on the wedding night (52%) but rare for other first intercourse (13% with fiancée before the wedding, 2% for sex with anyone else.)
Lube use did not change pain or the ability to fully penetrate.
Many wish they had been warned about potential pain, and that it could take a while to become painless.
Feeling rushed (late getting to the hotel) was mentioned as a problem by many. Several said the idea that they “had to have sex, it was their wedding night” was bad pressure.
More foreplay was recommended by many.
A better understanding of sex was desired by a number of the women. As one said “Put tab A in slot B” was not enough information.
Some women suffered in silence for months or years with pain that could be easily resolved by an OB/GYN.
On average, how often do you climax? (Solo or with your spouse. Waking orgasms only)
Less than once a month
1-3 times a month
once a week
twice a week
three times a week
four times a week
5 or 6 times a week
7 times a week
more than 7 times a week
For men the most common answer was three times a week. In the 25-29 age range there were as many who said 4 as 3, and in the 50-59 age range as many said 2 as said 3. In the 60 or better twice a week was more common than three times. For all age ranges, at least 60% of men climax between 2 and 4 times a week.
For women the most common answer was two times a week. Frequency of orgasm for women increased with age. The less than once a month answer went down for each increase in age, and the more than 7 times a week went up for each increase in age.
* Note: I did not specify orgasmic events (multiple orgasms) or total orgasms. Based on the comments most of the women who answered more than 7 times a week were counting multiple orgasms.
** For men saying more than 7 times a week it looks like most are engaged in habitual masturbation – half have less than a quarter of their orgasms with their wife. 13% have a majority of those orgasms with their wife, and 6% have all of them with their wife.
What percentage of these climaxes include your spouse in some way (including being in the room while you masturbate).
All of them
90% to 99%
75% to 89%
50% to 74%
25% to 49%
11% to 24%
10% or less
Both men and women noted that while masturbation helps physically, it is not what they want and does little for the frustration of being told no. Several men and two women noted they would not masturbate at all if their spouse was more willing. A number of women indicated they resorted to masturbation when sex with their husband did not result in orgasm.
How does your frequency of orgasm fit with your ideal? (This is about frequency, not how orgasm is archived).
I climax more often than my ideal
Frequency matches my ideal
I climax a bit less than my ideal
I climax a lot less than my ideal
I climax a WHOLE LOT less than my ideal
Men who say they climax a lot less or a whole lot less than they desire:
Only 10% of men having three or four climaxes a week
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