Breaking the Silence

speaking the truth about sex

The first time I invited Christian friends to my house for a sex class, I was scared to death. Who does something like that? Nobody talks about sex in the church. And if they do, it revolves around fulfilling the husband’s needs, not what the wife needs.

However, I had discovered that the Bible portrays and teaches mutuality in sex—not duty. I wanted to help wives not only embrace sex, but also give them detailed information and practical exercises to make sex amazing. Most of all, I wanted to create a safe place for women to talk about—a place where they could be honest, share struggles, receive healing and encourage each other.

break the bondage of silence

It is amazing how much power silence holds. Not talking about sex with our family or in the church connects sexuality with shame. We learn wrong messages from this silence. God may have created sex, but you better not enjoy it too much. Beware!! Too much sexual freedom, even in marriage, might pull you over to the dark side.

Silence allows our culture and misinformation about sex to distort the truth. We believe the lies, and left to themselves, they fester and grow.

• Men only care about sex.
• Women are sluts if they enjoy sex.
• Great sex should happen naturally.
• Good girls don’t do that.
• Intercourse feels magical for everyone.
• Don’t talk about sex or ask questions.
• The list goes on and on…

We don’t even realize the lies exist, until we have the courage to start talking about them. Then all of a sudden, the light bulb goes on, and we realize just how much culture and misinformation have impacted us.

baggage

One of the worst effects of silence, is the power that we give to sexual baggage. All of us have experienced things that negatively impacted our ideas about sex, the opposite sex, or our own identity. Even though we know that God can heal anything, the silence around sex causes us to believe sexual baggage is different. Our baggage stays in the dark and for years we carry around what God would love to heal.

During the third week of Awaken Love classes, we give every woman an opportunity to share their story and to move beyond it. Sometimes we pray over the person. Other times I ask them to pray and ask God for what they want. Sometimes I encourage them to share with their husband. Or sometimes I just thank them for sharing.

Healing comes from speaking the unspeakable out loud and receiving care, empathy and compassion from those around you. It is a lesson I hope will move beyond class. These women can give other women permission to share their stories by being vulnerable themselves. Removing the silence surrounding sex allow us to shed lies, receive healing and begin to embrace God’s truth.

God’s truth and design

Silence, coupled with male-dominated voices, has allowed God’s truth about sex to be blurred. The message “Do it for your husband” has turned sex into a duty for many wives, which God never intended.

God designed sex to be an extravagant gift for both husbands and wives. Though we are very different, we both have things to bring to the table. God designed sex to grow us and stretch us as we create an amazing sex life together.

Women understand the importance of connecting during sex. They don’t just want to get to the finish line. They want a journey of discovery and deep knowing. Rather than just focusing on mechanics or body alignment, women tune into connection. They become bored, frustrated or restless when sex focuses just on the physical aspects.

Men intuitively understand the power of sex to unite their marriage. When they can’t seem to get on the same page with their wife, all they want to do is make love to her. They know that God will help make them into one through the gift of sex.

Women understand that words hold great power in creating sexual excitement. Just reading a steamy scene in a book can get her juices flowing. When she teaches a husband how to create excitement using his words, he discovers a new path for passion.

Men understand the power of using their eyes to feast on God’s goodness. Not shy about sharing their own body, their words of adoration can help set their wife free to share herself. Opening our eyes during sex can act as a powerful way to stay connected during love making.

Both the husband and wife bring things to the table, but they also have things to learn. Though we don’t operate in the same way, God designed sex for both of us. He intended sex to refresh us, restore us, and even comfort us. But we have to work together to learn and grow, and to create a sex life that is mutually satisfying.

making changes

Great sex takes work. It doesn’t just happen—but when you’ve been operating under the same old lies for years, it can feel scary to rock the boat.

Taking an Awaken Love class provides a unique opportunity to make real changes. Rather than bringing up an issue, conversations happens naturally when you discuss what you are learning in class. Application homework provides the excuse for trying new things or doing something a different way. The class even provides homework to get your husband involved.

By inundating ourselves with sex through daily articles, weekly reading, application homework and authentic discussions – we learn how a simple change like thinking about sex can make profound changes. Six weeks of an Awaken Love class can turbo boost your intimacy in marriage to a new level.

Though sometimes we assume just wives need to work on their sex life, husbands have plenty to learn too. Men’s Edition will help a husband understand some of his wife’s challenges and how her body works. It will also help him move toward intimate connection during sex. Caring enough to want to learn to be a better lover, speaks volumes to a wife.

Changing your sex life, won’t only impact you, it will change those around you. Rather than growing up in silence, your kids can grow up comfortable talking to you about sex. Your friends can have a place to ask questions, seek advice and share struggles. Your church can be known as a place for healing, even in the area of sexuality. By breaking the bonds of silence, you change the culture of sex in the church, one person at a time.

final thoughts

From that first terrifying class on my porch, I have never regretted my choice to start speaking about sex. I have seen the transformation that happens when you remove the power of silence.

Take the first step in becoming comfortable talking about sex: Sign up for an Awaken Love class. Invite one person at church to do a study with you. Begin a conversation about sex with a friend. You just might help change the world.

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Related Resources:
   Rethinking Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery
   5 Ways to Get Your Church to Address Sex by J Parker of Hot, Holy, & Humorous

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In 2012 Ruth invited 8 friends onto her porch to share what she had discovered about sex. Since that time almost 1500 women and 300 men have taken Awaken Love classes either in person or by video class. Her heart is to open up the conversation of sex in small groups in order to change the culture of sex in the church. She also blogs, speaks and published her first book Awaken Love.

     

A maverick at heart, Ruth snowboards, builds furniture, and loves to hike with her husband Jim and her four grown daughters. You can find more information at Awaken Love.

Image credits
struggling woman ©  Photographee.eu / Adobe Stock
affectionate couple © Strelciuc / Adobe Stock
Ruth © Ruth Buezis
book image courtesy of © Amazon.com