Sex & Love

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Sex & Love

93 women and 250 men have answered
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  • One man in five, but only one woman in 20 said they could enjoy sex just fine with someone they did not love.
  • Forty-four percent of men and 35% of women said they could enjoy it some, but not fully.
  • Thirty-six percent of men and 59% of women said they could not enjoy sex with someone they did not love.
  • The results fit common stereotypes about men and women, but the numbers are not as far apart as some would expect. Many of the men’s comments said “Physically I could enjoy it, but emotionally, and mentally I could not, and it would not be fulfilling.”
  • How serious people were about following Jesus has only a slight effect on the results.

Women’s Comments:

  • Sex is more than love. It is spiritual love.
  • Physical pleasure may happen but the greatest pleasure I have ever felt comes from loving and being loved in return. Nothing tops sex with the one to whom I have given my heart.
  • My husband, a fellow Christian, has forced me to be in a sexless marriage.
  • The only reason I enjoy sex with my husband is because I love him. Otherwise – ewwww!
  • I had to guess at #5. Don’t really know. I don’t enjoy sex with my husband, whom I love as a friend/companion but feel no chemistry for him. I do enjoy pleasuring myself while thinking about other men (real or imaginary) to whom I am attracted. (Yes I know this is wrong, and it is my major spiritual struggle.) I often wonder if I would enjoy having sex if I had a partner to whom I was attracted/aroused, or if I just don’t like sex at all, period. I don’t have the sexual experience necessary to answer your question, but the issue would be whether I could enjoy it physically; love doesn’t really play into it. If morality weren’t an important factor, I would enjoy finding out, regardless of “love.” I think that is the gist of where you’re going with this?
  • Sex requires so much trust and vulnerability. While I might “enjoy” the lusty rush, like a drug it would wear off and leave me feeling empty, used, violated, and disgusting.
  • If I fell out of love with my husband, I could still possibly enjoy sex with him.
  • I’m no saint. Sex with other men was horrible. Sex with my husband was great before marriage and still is after.
  • I could enjoy it, but it would not have the same meaning as it does with my husband, who I love dearly. I feel like it would be a shadow of what this is.
  • I once fell out of love with my husband, it was the worst year for our marriage. Living with him every day wasn’t that hard. But sleeping in the same bed with him was awful. Being close to him hurt and I wanted none of it.
  • I think the possibility if enjoying it is there, but I’d be left somewhat lesser. It would be like something beautiful and valuable left somewhere all wrong.
  • I chose yes but not fully because the question said morality aside.
  • I was promiscuous for 10 years before my marriage. I never once orgasmed without masturbation until sex/oral sex with my husband even though I had everything from boyfriends, threesomes, same sex encounters, and one-night stands.
  • I have had sex with one guy, my husband!! Life is GOOD!??
  • “Morality aside”. That’s a hard one. I love sex with my husband and would never cheat on him. He cheated on me for several years and says he never loved her. Nevertheless, the fact that he chose to betray me rather than to raise the issues and work on them in an honest way is 100% his fault. I know this was his choice and not MY fault. I guess HIS answer to that one would be ” I could enjoy it just fine” We have been working hard at rebuilding our marriage. I also know that I have needs. Confusing question.
  • Based on my hormonal changes there are times that the physical need can push the emotional need aside & enjoy just the physical feelings. But those times are few & far between. More than 90% of the time I cannot enjoy sex without caring about my partner & having an emotional connection.
  • In my opinion sex is an expression of love. I could not have one without the other.
  • I don’t have a really good frame of reference for this, but I think I’d be much more nervous about my body image.

Men’s Comments:

  • If the issue is just sex then most men could probably enjoy it. However, the awesome experience is one that leads to no fear, guilt, or doubt, and that is only found when a man has a wife, at least for me.
  • You said morality aside. So if it doesn’t matter if I am married to them or not, then yes, as a guy, I think I could enjoy sex without love.
  • Covenant aspect of married sexless important to me
  • I don’t desire it, but I do think I could enjoy it outside of the guilt that my marriage commitment would create, so no not really. Make sense? I didn’t think so
  • As I mature, finding that the feelings and level of enjoyment with sexual intimacy is way better/stronger and more satisfying or fulfilling than just focusing on the physicality of sex.
  • It is impossible for me to set morality aside, and so pleasure in an immoral relationship could not equate with joy for me.
  • I am wondering what your definition of “Enjoy” is? If you mean would the sex be fun, then yes. If you mean would it be ultimately satisfying at all levels, then no since at bottom sex is a spiritual activity.
  • I’m not really proud of it but in my past I have enjoyed sex greatly, even when I barely knew more about her than her name. If I were not married now and it was not morally wrong, I absolutely could again.
  • I’m sure the whole “forbidden fruit syndrome” would come into play – exciting and thrilling for a while before reality sets in. I am of course being theoretical about the whole question – “Morality aside” would also mean “Reality aside”, b/c you’d have to assume there would be zero consequences either to the marriage, other relationships, the family, my psyche, etc etc etc.
  • A spouse who has long been mean and uninterested in little intimacy will do that to even the most committed Believer.
  • Maybe before being married, but once the intimacy of sex with my wife was discovered I could never go back.
  • Marriage is a covenant. I couldn’t enjoy breaking that.
  • During a spiritually dry period of my life, I actually tried sex without love, and it left me feeling more empty than I did before. I definitely did not enjoy it.
  • Enjoy it? Probably. Sex without love is almost like masturbation with another person’s body. Feel fulfilled from it? No. Sexual release and sexual/emotional/relational fulfillment are TOTALLY different things.
  • I wouldn’t want to and I wouldn’t be able to do it. I would be too nervous.
  • I would need to be married to enjoy sex. However, I think I could be married and not in love and still enjoy it some, but maybe 5% of what it could be married and in love. The physical side is enjoyable. If married there would be no shame in enjoying sex, even if the love was not there. But, with love, it has the potential to bring it to a place that cannot compare. I’m not where I want to be in this regard. I think most marriages contain some level of sex without perfect love.
  • One of the best things about sex with my wife is that afterward there is no awkward desire to be apart from her. Because we love each we can stay in each other’s company following sex without any regret hurt following our lovemaking. With someone else, I might enjoy sex until I climax, but afterward, it would be emotional torture.
  • I could enjoy sex if it was with my wife.
  • The best orgasm whether masturbating or with someone you don’t love is NO WHERE as great as the worst orgasm with my wife. Married sex with my wife is the BEST.
  • God is good
  • Enjoy the physical pleasure, yes. Adultery, no. Ideal, no.
  • I choose the middle option, as the physical act would still be stimulating, but I know fully that in the end I would be left with immense guilt, which would make the aftermath, far from enjoyable. And Sex should be enjoyable before, during and after the act, I’m looking forward to sharing that with my Fiancé’, when we get married.
  • I have never been with anyone but my wife. That being said, I think I could enjoy it, but I don’t want to. Nor do I want to find out.
  • I think I could enjoy the pleasure, but ONLY if I did not know what I was missing. What I mean here, is that before I discovered God’s blessing of a loving wife, I could, morality aside, enjoy the pleasure of sex. Now, knowing what I would be missing, I do not think I would enjoy it much – and certainly not over a period of time.
  • In the moment it would be pleasurable but not fulfilling.
  • Long term, of course not. But short term, the excitement of something new is enough to make it enjoyable. Especially if I was fond of the person or attracted to them. If I didn’t like them, but was attracted to them physically, in the short term, it might be enjoyable. Especially if they were into it. But… Long term, sex is best with my wife because of our relationship and connection.
  • I put that I could enjoy it just fine. That is true in the physical sense. However emotionally, it would tear me up to have been unfaithful to my wife of almost 20 years. Spiritually, it would be devastating as well. But as far as wants go, I could do it, and in function, I think I could do it. I say “I think” because sometimes my body betrays me. For our whole sex life, anytime I sense that my wife is not enjoying having sex (during the actual act of sex) or if she is in pain, I lose my erection in a second. As long as she pretends discomfort I am fine, but as soon as I sense actual discomfort I am finished. I hope that I never find out if physical betrayal would cause the same response.
  • Could not enjoy intercourse with anyone else. Masturbation is another subject altogether. It’s enjoyable most of the time, but doesn’t approach the joy that intercourse with spouse brings.
  • Physically yes but sex is so much more than just a physical connection.
  • Sex without marriage does not have the deep oneness and intimacy that God gives marriage. It seems the longer I am married the closer and better it gets.
  • I think there are two components. Physical and Mental/Emotional/Spiritual. For a male… the physical can still be enjoyable but for the whole experience you really want the MES as well.
  • The word “enjoy” is paramount here. I might “like” sex with someone I didn’t love, and “enjoy” it in the moment, but there would be no fulfillment, no connection, no real substance to the physical act. I’ve only ever had sex with my wife, and certainly at times I wonder what sex would be like with someone else, but it’s just a thought-based curiosity than any emotional or physical desire. If I didn’t follow Christ and wasn’t married, I imagine my “enjoyment” level of sex with someone else would be higher too.
  • I can enjoy masturbation which almost by definition is sex without love so I have to assume I could also enjoy the act of sex with someone I didn’t love. Indeed, I used to enjoy many forms of sex with women I didn’t love before I was married. I have also enjoyed sex with my wife during a long period of our life together where I didn’t particularly like, much less love her. In all those cases, however, I could never fully enjoy it as the key emotional and spiritual components are missing. Add the moral component and it is clearly, while enjoyable in the moment, it is painful due to the moral aftershocks.
  • Before I was married, I had sex. Sometimes that sex was with someone I didn’t love. I enjoyed it, but it doesn’t hold a candle to what I enjoy with my wife.
  • I answered no, I could not enjoy it. But I’m not really sure that is true. I hope and pray I never get to find out!
  • Yes, I have temporarily enjoyed the physical act of sex w/out love – but it ultimately leaves you feeling shallow and empty. There is a physical pleasure, let’s not kid ourselves – otherwise it would not be so rampant in our society. I have had over 300 partners prior to my wife. But NOTHING beats the intimacy that I share with my wife. Sex w/out intimacy is enjoyable to a very small degree but sex with intimacy and connection and relationship is WOW, way over the top, soul fulfilling and beautiful!
  • My Savior commands me to not withhold myself from my spouse, regardless of my emotions.
  • Yes, but there’s sooo much more to sex than the physical. The best part of sex with my bride is not physical, and the physical is awesome.
  • I’ve never been a very traditional person. To me I see things like love and sex in a compartmentalized way. I think it’s clear that people can enjoy sex with people they don’t love and see no direct link with love and sex. I’m thinking of arranged marriages and marriages of convenience or in politics. Lots of people have been in this position throughout history and were able to enjoy sex with people they didn’t love.
  • I think it depends…. There are times I am so horny it would be very difficult to say no… But I also think that I would wind up unable to perform if I actually tried to do anything and go for it. If I didn’t have to worry about the morality? Then yes I probably could. At that point it would basically be using someone to masturbate.
  • Morality aside.. yea, but that is not what we are called to do through Scripture.. That is not how God intended sex, which is evident in all the issues with sex out of love and marriage.
  • I used to think I could enjoy it without love and ever tried it once. Love makes it so much better. It isn’t something I would ever consider.
  • The physical aspect of it sure. But it would probably tear me up emotionally and spiritually eventually.
  • To clarify – I would never consider sex with someone other than my wife (whom I love with all my heart). That being said, I think I would probably enjoy sex without live, but feel horrible after the act.
  • Lust can make you enjoy something just fine without love, though there would be obvious limitations. Lust fades very quickly so while enjoying sex provoked by lust would work, it wouldn’t last long.
  • I was rather promiscuous before being married for the second time. I was able to enjoy sex fully without love.
  • Currently in a sexless marriage.
  • Perhaps once but thanks to years of great sex with my wife I would know what I was missing without the relational connection.
  • It would be just sex and not making love.
  • It would be easy for me to enjoy the physical release of sex without love but very difficult for that to satisfy my need for emotional connection.
  • I could enjoy sex but not be fulfilled without love.
  • Morality aside, I definitely could enjoy it. But when brining in the idea of morals and what I believe, and how that has influenced my life, then it would not be enjoyable to me.
  • I need love to have a sex…
  • I was in a loveless marriage for a while with my first wife. Sex was just the physical act and no connection. I did not enjoy it at all. Sex with my wife now is amazing because we have that loving connection.
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