Is the Marriage bed really helping marriages? We can recite the numbers:
But numbers don’t tell the story of what can be accomplished with an Internet ministry. Let us share with you what some who have been blessed has to say. Please note that it is not our intention here to point to ourselves; the glory goes to God. It is the Lord who has helped and healed marriages through the various aspects of The Marriage Bed. We are but His tools.
Most of these “testimonies” came from members of the interactive e-mail list since replaced by the forums. This group is a community of believers loving and helping each other. As one member said “This group is awesome… hearing hundreds of Christians discuss these things is what makes it so powerful.”
About five years into our marriage we decided to start a family but our relationship was still very stale, both physically and emotionally. Around this time I began having an adulterous relationship with a coworker. DW did become pregnant but that led to even less frequent sex which served to fuel my adultery. After our DD was born I secretly repented of the adultery and ended the relationship but guilt and remorse drove me into a deep depression. Eventually DW confronted me about my depression and I confessed the affair. Needless to say she was devastated and her anger and sorrow devastated me, but by the grace of God we made it through. Due to financial constraints we didn’t seek professional counseling (not a wise decision, in hindsight) but we purchased the book Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair [affiliate link] and worked through it together.
God granted DW a powerful spirit of forgiveness. Gradually trust was reestablished and our emotional relationship became much stronger but our physical relationship didn’t improve. Due in large part to guilt over my premarital and extramarital sexual activity I was very timid about initiating. DW’s passive/aggressive refusal was not fueled by bitterness over the affair but by self-esteem and body image issues. That was a deadly combination. Sexual frustration continued to plague our marriage for nearly 15 years. Every year or so I would get frustrated enough to raise the issue; we would cry, talk, and pray, I would buy a book about sex or a toy or recommend a website like TMB but nothing ever changed. Eventually, I got to so frustrated I actually resolved never to initiate sex again. I just didn’t want to deal with the rejection.
Finally I decided to make one more attempt at change so for her birthday I bought DW a copy of The Sexually Confident Wife, showed her the Christian Nymphos site and TMB…and prayed. At first it seemed like another fruitless attempt but then things began to change. Shannon Ethridge’s book in particular helped DW begin to deal with her body image issues and her SD began to rise. I thought I was HD but I can barely keep up with DW now. It’s like we’re finally having our honeymoon period of exploration and discovery. Interestingly, her awakening has really triggered an awakening in both of us. I find myself finally dealing with issues in my own sexuality (past and present) that have never been addressed.
So after 20 years of struggles we’re healing and connecting in ways we never knew we could. God is faithful and I am beyond grateful.
Just wanted to take a second to say thanks. I really appreciate the wonderful ministry you guys have. About a year or so ago I found your ministry by accident. I began sharing with my wife. I also e-mailed you and asked advice. At that time my wife and I had been married about five years and had not had a very good sex life at all.
Your ministry was an answered prayer. Our family of four lives on the salary of a cop (me), and could never have paid the cost of counseling.
In the last year I have been learning to be a godly, generous husband. And my wife has become a very godly, generous, and sometimes quite sensuous wife. I am awed at the difference in both of us. We have read many of the books recommended and it has really helped us both. I can’t thank you enough for answering God’s call in your ministry. I know that the credit is The Lord’s, but I do feel the need to offer encouragement to continue doing what you are doing. It has been a great blessing to our life.
My husband subscribed to TMB probably about 2 years ago, but always lurks, never posts. I’ve been here for about a year and a half. Hubby really enjoyed the posts and was learning a lot; felt that I needed to as well. Quite honestly I don’t remember how he brought it up w/ me or how I reacted initially, but I subscribed nonetheless.
We have both learned a lot here and are continually learning and growing together sexually due to many topics here. Yes, we still struggle and often we struggle quite a bit. But we are in it together, and truly trying to make things work.
I agree with what ( ) said — we are SO thankful to TMB for its honesty, integrity, and brutality. Often times that brutal honesty is what we need to hear. Without this list, I don’t think I ever could understand my husband or his needs as much as I do now. Granted there are times I still just don’t even think about sex or that he needs that day in and day out, but I’m trying, and this list helps! I think it also helps remind him that I’m not the only woman out there who needs romancing (so I’m not really that crazy after all!). Sometimes I get down in the dumps when reading some of the great ideas here, I’m not very creative when it comes to sex, but I try, and sometimes it can be frustrating that our sex life isn’t better… but all the more reason for me to go home and work on it with hubby! I re-sound ( )’s feelings about TMB and Paul&Lori — we love you guys and are VERY thankful.
Just a few months ago, I came to this list out of desperation. My marriage of 11 years was crumbling; we were barely talking, and having sex even less (maybe once or twice a month). So dear husband was cranky, and started turning to Internet porn. I was frustrated trying to figure out what his problem was and why the only thing he seemed to want from me was sex.
t felt as though my husband wasn’t even concerned that we were falling apart. He would come home from work, sit at the computer until it was time for bed. When I couldn’t get out of it, I’d give him what he wanted. It was always over too quickly anyway. I tried to tell him about this a time or two. He would apologize, roll over and go to sleep.
It was easy to blame him for all our problems. By this time, our conversations consisted of nothing deeper than the weather, so I either had to find help or we would wind up calling a lawyer. We had about a year of living together as no more than married roommates, when I found this list.
I discovered the problem was really with me, my attitude about myself, men, and sex in general. I can’t really describe what I did differently when I came to this realization. It was a lot of little things, I guess. But my husband began to open up. It was like we each took a small step toward each other.
Gradually, sex went from a task I dreaded to something enjoyable. It became a playful time of sharing, rather than just a means to satisfy his needs. We went from sex maybe twice a month, to a couple times a week. It IS true the more a woman has sex, the more she wants it. As we grew closer in our relationship, it became easy to tell him what I needed. If I wasn’t satisfied, he would do something until I was.
Shortly after I joined this list, there was a big discussion about how often is often enough. Paul is a big advocate of regular sex, and I have just found out why. For me, I’m more relaxed, sleep better, where it took him forever to get me in the mood, it now only takes minutes! For him, he seems to need far less recovery time in between sessions, he lasts longer, and he’s more relaxed and a whole lot happier. We’ve been doing crazy stuff lately, like sneaking off, leaving the kids downstairs. The VCR can make a great babysitter!
Hello Marriage Bed Brothers and Sisters,
I first heard of TMB maybe five, six years ago? I heard about it on the Microsoft Network Homepage when it was featured there one day. I lurked in as a result and I was absolutely fascinated! I subscribed and began my lurking at that time.
What I found were people going through the very same struggles that I knew in my own life. I don’t care for mincing words or dancing around issues, and I found TMB to be gut-honest. Above all, Jesus Christ and living and growing families for Him was the very center of all that goes on here.
I guess I had always considered myself somehow “savvy” when it came to sexual issues. Yet TMB began to show me just how naive I was. While it would at times be very helpful, it could also be very painful to read. While our marriage has always been good, like everyone we had our struggles. A pivotal struggle was in the sexual arena. When our youngest was born was probably the peak of our frustration. We hurt each other during that time a lot. No affairs, nothing like that, but through having a difficult pregnancy, two in diapers, a seemingly unending financial struggle, a dead end frustrating job for me and she a stay-at-home mom with two little ones in a cracker box house – we just simply shut down with one another. I estimate that we went for about 18 months without sex at that time. We were still friends (who argued a lot) and essentially roommates. We look at that time as the darkest of our marriage.
God’s grace kept us through that time. Thankfully and very slowly our sex life began to resurrect. Somehow I convinced myself that most Christians probably had pretty dull sex lives.
Then came TMB. I began to read and at times laugh and others cry. Sometimes I would thank God for how good I had it, and others I would literally feel completely cold and alone. I wondered if we would ever truly experience intimate (and mind-blowing) sex like I was beginning to realize was possible for Christian couples.
I remember reading the Digest on the computer one day and my wife walked by… I couldn’t kill it fast enough and she said “WHAT are you reading?” I think she had picked up the word sex a couple of times. I did some serious dancing to explain, but I honestly felt like I had been “busted.” (LOL) I felt sure she would go ballistic if she knew what I was reading.
As I continued to read, how I wished that I could convince my wife to read it! There was SO much here, it was such an eye opener! My wife had been raised in a very strict “holiness” home where she had been taught that sex was pretty much “the big nasty.” She had overcome a lot of it but still had so many inhibitions that I didn’t think she would ever be open to.
One day, I wish I could remember what it was, but I felt the time was right. A certain post came through that was *straight up* our alley. It addressed something dead on that we were dealing with. I summoned all my courage and said “Hon, would you take a look at this” while explaining the entire concept of TMB. She didn’t go ballistic and she even seemed a bit captured by it! I couldn’t believe it.
I began to cut and paste and sporadically email her posts that were either funny, eye-opening or dealing with something very close to home (but not too personal). One day she asked the magic question “will you send me the URL I think I want to subscribe…”
I’m getting long, suffice it to say that TMB has been a blessing from God. I have no doubt in my mind that Paul and Lori Byerly are anointed of God and called to this ministry (and never, ever doubt that it is a ministry.) God has used TMB, over time to begin a transformation in our sex life and marriage that is just amazing. Sure we still have struggles, and I could name them… many of them beyond our control. But here at 15 years of marriage and in middle age, I am more turned on to my wife than I have *ever* been and I believe she is to me. We are more attuned to each others’ sexual fulfillment than we have ever been.
Praying a blessing over every one of TMB family right now. Paul and Lori… I love you and I appreciate you so much for your sacrifices and your ministry. Only in Heaven will you understand what a blessing you have been to so many.
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